It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out. (Proverbs 25:2 ESV)
Searching out God, and inevitably myself in the process has been stimulating, to say the least. I hop on a universe-sized spectrum of "stressed" to "overjoyed", with all kinds of in between "stuff" haha. For someone who is so black and white, and task oriented, it's a lot of grey and infinitive or cyclic concepts to discover. On the one hand, I shrink and shrink as a weaker and weaker cherrio in the world, while on the other hand I take in wider glimpses of the enormity of God that I could never have seen as a self-perceived "stronger" chip. Thus, I am weak, but Christ in me grows stronger.
So, I suppose this blog will now take on a more definitive direction, that being the experience I go through as a theology student. I feel awkward saying a "seminary student", since most would automatically picture a pastor (which I do not currently have a desire to be), but my goals, or goal I should say, is to finish or not finish with a more genuine and intimate love for God and others.
(Very generic sounding, I know, haha that's because I pulled it off of the university's motto ...but it's true.)
Having said that....haha I'll just start with my feebleness as one week has officially gone by.
Some words (let's label these "yikes" words) to describe the train wreck in my head:
Anxious
Nervous
Stressed
Frail
Fragile
Worried
Fearful
Afraid
Angry
Doubtful
Confused
Bewildered
Awkward
Rushed
Socially inept
Tired
Uncontrollable
Timid
Shaky
Frazzled
Overwhelmed
Scared
Painful
Emotional
Deflated
Cry.
And the list could go on, but those are the ones that immediately resurfaced by memory.
My ravenous desire to be the best or at least "noticed" gives birth to the "yikes" and makes doing the assignments and readings stressful instead of stimulating and awesome.
On the other hand other words (let's label these "yes" words) have illuminated my heart in the deepest wells and darkest tunnels, and those could be described as:
Joy
Peace
Love
Gratefulness
Wider glimpses of grace (past, present and future)
Understanding
Security
Confidence
Strength
Trust
Hope
Laughter
Relationships
Health
Logic
Dreamlike
Euphoric
Excited
Bursting at the seams with goodness
Passion
Integrity
Character
Honor
Honesty
And many more.
In a nutshell I am both stressed and joyful. The scale slides more toward one end in certain situations (or for certain assignments and their due dates), but overall I am extremely awed by the fact that I am here...in theology school. I never imagined being here, but that's not surprising.
As the opening proverb stated:
It is HIS GLORY TO CONCEAL things, and ours to search them out.
Poignantly put.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love theology school so far, absolutely love it.
Sometimes it feels like a dream, and that I'm floating on a cloud ...until I'm not.
As I've begun classes, I am still trying to "get back into the swing of things", or any swing at all. I have never wanted to do so well academically as I find I do now. That, however, subsequently gives a wider opening to "yikes" words, and the only thing that counteracts them are "yes" words....or I should say yikes and yes FEELINGS, since they can not come alive just by saying or thinking them. Each has a fuel, and at first I thought one was Spirit fueled, while the other was Flesh-fueled, but if it weren't for the yikes words...the yes words would never exist. So now I'm leaning more toward the idea that both flow under the authority of God, like I'm just sitting in the car, and God is pumping my gas for me. Which is frightening in the sense that I have no control over which petroleum He's using for my Aston Martin (did I even spell that right--by the way I don't drive that car..it's a metaphor haha), but comforting if I know He's God and I'm His daughter, and that He will also be the driver.
Albeit...
I find I have no time.
You might wonder how I'm writing this now, but I'll explain later.
I have little time to sleep or eat with all that I see set before me to be done. I am ruled by the ever all conclusive check mark. I'm the girl who makes a list for everything and checks them each off to satiate the day as being "done". So being given the syllabus for each class, knowing the reports and books to be written and read with chronological due dates....to me they look like a check list, and I have to finish all of them before I can "stop".
As you can see this makes time management very crummy, a social life even crummier, and the opening for "yes" words crummiest!
Another thing that's really conflicted me was the step back from involvement at my church. I had to miss praise team practice and didn't go to the church baptism for all the new members either (although that one should be left out, because I had no desire to go). I left Thursday night bible study early to finish a paper, and all the while I keep wondering how much is too much and how much will be detrimental to my spirit. I know I need community, family, and spiritual guidance, but I am getting more "yikes" than "yes" from this particular conflict. I still haven't figured much out on this regard, but the sermon today was about ever increasing grace for one another, and in a sense I sort of hoped I would be shown more grace during this time of my studies. However, I think about how my goal is in direct relationship to this dilemma. I am here to love God and others more. Therefore I don't want to engage solely in my studies that teach me to love others while I myself live in utter seclusion from those I'm being taught to love. Though maybe I should learn first then love, or is a simultaneous process what God wants? Or is there not a distinction between the two? So yea, I have a lot of questions about that...because I am really slow at reading and slower at comprehending, which make my studies very time consuming. However, I won't discredit God in the least by saying it is impossible to invest in both physically as well as spiritually. I only hope and pray I will obey The Lord in whatever He tells me regarding my time.
Lastly, I want to say that the last assignment I read (3 articles) about an hour ago, were on this very agenda. The articles were about the temptations within the atmosphere of any academic endeavor, but specifically in a theological one. All in all the goal remains, to love God and others more, but the process is the part that gets muddled by all kinds of distractions.
The articles talk about the importance of prayer and understanding that learning is a Spirit fueled process not something we do on our own for our own gain. Ultimately my goal is to love God and others, and that goal is so easily obscured by pride, lack of communication, and disunity from the body. Or in my case by my shaky "unrest" of and in self.
There's a lot going on in my head, so this post is really messy, but in short...the more I love God genuinely the more that gets translated or transferred to all other areas of my life. I notice I have the urge to "give advice" or "teach" others, but in reality when I see myself more transparently, I need to be taught, and not before I teach others but in order to teach others. I think it's a natural by product, and something that automatically (and might I say: most effectively), happens when I realize that I need to be taught. In other words, when my focus is saying "God, what are you teaching me now?" It most usually happens that in that others catch the same lesson I learn, though not of my direct intention. Does that make sense? I mean, I could be wrong, but I mostly mean "walk the talk". Or have personal head to heart connections. This does not so much go for professors who are given the specific authority by the position of "teacher", this is more for the layman with no current sheep and no current position--but who can still find the beauty of being able to encourage others with as little of your pride or ego getting in the way as possible. It's more of a training prior to teaching....? Maybe, perhaps.
If it doesn't make sense to me, I don't expect it to make much sense to the person I'm trying to make it make sense to. And if it, at the moment, does not deeply speak to me, I don't expect it to deeply speak to the person I'm speaking to. Having been on the receiving end of this idea--I believe this to be true. I don't care who you are, how persuasive you speak, or even how much fruit you have to show for it...unless you are telling me what you are still learning at the moment, I will outwardly nod my head, but inwardly be humming to my own tune. For who has fully grasped anything that is not still yet to be fully complete? Does anyone have complete faith (meaning they never doubt)? Does anyone have complete love (meaning they never get angry or impatient or selfish, etc)? Does anyone have a complete understanding of how God speaks to them? All I now is that the times I was genuinely changed or learned something from head to heart, were mostly, if not all, from those who demonstrated this type of humility.
And since no one can ever truly identify themselves as humble (a contradiction in itself) all I can do is understand my own need for more of God and His grace for me.
(Amidst all of this I know I am fighting the lie that I know a lot. An oddly strange and difficult battle...being that it is a lie, it's embarrassing when I'm wrong about myself. Haha)--(also, I still have a very strong sense of independence, although slightly weakened by God's grace, I want to be more weak and in need of community in order that I may attach myself completely to the Body of Christ!)
That being said, I apologize for the smattering format of this post. I made time to write it, because it is a part of my intentional learning. To recognize and implement the truth that I need the Spirit as well as the Word for a complete step towards the goal.
(And humility when I look back and see all the areas where I was so maddeningly wrong!)
All this to say, I must admit that I wish I had someone to share all of these things with in person. But it's not everyday you meet someone who will be so vulnerable as this to make such conversations possible and at the same time constructive. I want only to share this if I too can learn in return, otherwise something feels amiss. I am stopping myself from this, haha, by refusing to believe most can teach me....but God has been gracious to me. So, so gracious, and little by little I'm becoming less ignorant.
Peace and love my friends.
Your hippy theology student,
Jmegrey
No comments:
Post a Comment