God what are You doing?

What is it when all the learning about God becomes a task?  When doing "Christian" stuff becomes lifeless?  What is it when the revelations stop and you're staring at a bunch of tasks or obligations?

What are You teaching me now? 

Gosh,  I'm still so autonomous, there is so much in me that wants to be free from trying, but yet letting my self sufficiency go feels like walking off the plank into the alligator's mouth.  Does death have any power?  No.  But I'm a blindfolded Wendy who is afraid.  I don't want fear, I want freedom.  

I have these moments where I begin to think of future failure rather than future grace, and when I do that fear sets in rather than freedom.  

Future failure looks more real.

Future grace is completely a blind trust thing.

God help me to walk in Your grace, and not abuse it.  Help me be weak so that I see how strong You are.  Help me have faith to look past the fear.  

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.

- (Philippians 4:7, 12 ESV)

Help me see You more clearly in the horizon of eternity, and at the same time right inside of me.

For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.”

Wow.  Thank You for Your mercy right now.