Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
(Psalm 139:6, 12, 23-24 ESV)
Deep down we all know that God is perfect, and if we walk in His light we walk in perfection, but the problem is that we fail and stumble so many times that instead of recognizing our constant need for His help again and again and again (because we are so incapable and weak) we turn around and dismiss Him as an impossibility, or unfair, unjust, cruel or just plain not worth it. So as many walk away from God, wandering as the god of their own lives, most still have the audacity to blame God for their bad circumstances, and we all eventually have them. Yet when good things happen it's all them, and has nothing to do with God because they know they walked away. Such a twisted mind we all have. Blaming God is never a smart thing unless we are perfectly walking in His ways, and you might think: "well that's impossible to be perfect and that's why I blame God!" But you don't understand perfection then. It is not self reliant perfection, that is not walking in His ways, but perfection as His creatures is total reliance on Him. And this is where our ego says: "no thanks." But God is so patient and so loving and so gracious and good that despite our twisted egos, He welcomes us back when we get over ourselves and run back to Him, desperate and so sorry for having ever walked away.
I've tasted what it is to walk with God, and Paul put it best:
"For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being,"
-Romans 7:22
It's the delight that flows from inside, nothing external causes it, and therefore nothing external is involved in producing it, it is simply a joy that is birthed forth from within. Unlike joys derivative of outside friendships, or romantic relationships, good food, money, achievements, new traveling sights, etc. All of which having their origin from outside can also be snatched away and gone the moment the root from which it came goes. (For example I can have joy in getting a new job as a top paid journalist, but that joy is cut off the moment I don't have that job anymore or the moment the job becomes mundane, albeit it may remain a fond memory or just a steady income, but it is no longer a living active joy within me. The root from which it came is withered and so along with it is the joy it once fed me. You can replace the word job with anything like a husband, career, beauty, wealth, fame, or whatever it is you desire right now)
The law of God on the other hand is from within because it is not skin and veins, but spiritual. It is the calm of my thoughts, the understanding of confusion, and the confidence of belonging to God. It is rooted from within me, because He takes his presence and makes a home within my heart. Then to walk in His ways is to be fed by the joy that cannot be withered unless it is possible for God to die? Absurd. Then He would not be God. That is why His joy is deep within my innermost being, and my delight is to be fed by walking with Him. Yes I fall, I stumble, I embarrassingly and shamefully slip in all kinds of unlovely ways, but I admit it. I am a mess, and I need His help constantly. He doesn't seem to mind, and it would be strange if ever He decided He had had enough of my weakness and stupidity. For it was for this very reason that He gave up His life for me, to make a home in my heart, and to have me utterly fall into His arms to be carried into eternal heaven with Him. So now, in fact I do see that even my walking is quite foolish, for what He says is abide in Him. Abide....sounds more like combine myself to Him, step into His being. If that is the case, and John 15 confirms it is, then He wants not only that I continue asking for His help but to take it much further by letting Him take on every step of this life on earth for me. To let His thoughts guide my decisions, let His strength endure and ward off the attacks, and let His ways become my ways. Those with their egos may think: "well, then you are no longer yourself, but Jesus does all the living for you! That's like being dead." And to that I say, yes and yes. When I walked apart from Him I was already dying, life was too uncontrollable, too unpredictable and too imperfect for me to stake my hopes in anything that wouldn't eventually wither. It was a rat race of chasing after the next alluring joy, all the while I knew in the back of my head that eventually I would die, whether from old age or from an accident. So to use the words interchangeably we are all in some sense dead or dying. People are literally dying to live or living to die. The difference is that death in my identity is life in His identity, which as we established is perfect. While death apart from Him, be it old age or an accident, is a timer ready to ring and close the casket. Then what? A mystery? Maybe they hope something like hell won't be there for them? Maybe it's gonna be ok. Maybe we just shouldn't think about it. It's too scary or it's too unknowable. And their solution is to ignore it, as if that makes it all ok. And that is what I find to be much more horrific. To let the ego decide your fate is pretty much fooling yourself into thinking you have the power to shape what happens to you after you die. Do you have that power? Do you have the power to even not die? You don't. And that's because we are created, and there is only One Creator. He has the power to give life and to take it away. And the more we view that as unfair or unjust, the farther away we go from the life and love He gives to His creatures. But it starts with recognizing your true state of being. How much power do you have? How much can you control? How much do you know? And when you find the reality of your place, you see the life God gave to us. A good life. A life walking in His ways, abiding in Him, letting Him make all our decisions, and being constantly fed on the eternal source of joy that He feeds us. We die in one respect, in the respect that we are no longer relying on ourselves, but we take on a new life. It is now His thoughts we think, His actions we do, and His presence we rest in.
All His ways are written in the bible, and if we take the time to read and meet with Him, we can begin to abide in Him. Slow and steady or all at once, the pace is not important. It is the truthfulness on your part, to know when you are progressing or digressing, and to make the necessary adjustments when your ego might try and sneak out through the back exit. Catch that rat and tie it up! I would say kill it, but I don't know if we can kill the ego. Perhaps we cannot, but definitely God can. So ask God to kill your ego. Haha.
Set your mind, place your brain in perfect hands rather than your clumsy ones.
"For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh,
but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.
For to set the mind on the flesh is death,
but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.
For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. (Romans 8:5-7 ESV)
God's law is perfect, so let Him make your decisions today, and walk in Him, and taste everlasting peace and joy!
PS: when your ego rages to be self reliant then remind yourself of the power you actually posses when it comes to your very own life! Can your ego control your heartbeat or your breathing without you dying from either of them stopping? Nope, in that you see clearly that God is the one who provides every breath and who can take it away as well, and again can resurrect life back into you. He is in control, not you. Your ego is inflated with nothing but hot air, so deflate it and be filled with real life and real love, real peace and real joy.
Jmegrey
PPS: now it won't always feel that way, in fact there will be many nights when you feel bored out of your mind and so lonely as I have come to find, but be patient and in those moments when your ego tries to regain control, before anything else approach your Heavenly Father in humility and ask Him to remind you of reality. What appears to be painful is in fact only a feeling, but the reality is much more than a feeling, the reality of being Reliant on God means that whatever happens He will not fail.
And surely, in all my experience, He never has. (While I, on the other hand, have failed and fallen more times than I want to recall)
"And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God." -Romans 8:27
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
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