In a funk

Again, and again these sheets and this pillow are my refuge of rest.  I need them because without them I am lost.  In a world of people and places, money and food, age and beauty, status and achievement, pain and death, in this world I do live and breathe and move--so it's no wonder the pillow on my bed is most frequented. 

Here in the silence of my room, with not even the desire for anything in particular--not for friend, food, or wondrous sights.  Perhaps I don't even know what I want.

Maybe not knowing what I want somehow gets transmitted into my subconscious as not having any desire at all--apathy.  Which is clearly not honoring to God. 

So to be intentionally contrary to that way of viewing my position on my pillow let me think of what I do desire.

I desire rest.  Physical and emotional rest.  

-God might be allowing unrest to take place to show me that I'm trying to find rest in a place where I shouldn't be resting.  Or I may feel unrest because God is showing me that there is no rest in such a place as the one I am chasing after (being organized and on top of things), compelling me to find it where there is rest (Giving Him full control even if that means it appears to be chaos to me for some time).  

-I took a 1 hour nap and feel sooo much better, but still a little off.  So that was much needed, and I will not discount that in itself as a very necessary gift from God. 

I desire joy.

-God might be allowing me to feel a loss of joy because I am attaching it to the wrong source, namely to temporary gratifications.  I often get mixed up between deep in-my-soul Joy and fleeting happiness when I'm over-focused on being happy. 

I desire completeness. 

-God might be allowing me to feel incomplete because I am not yet glorified in the way that I will be when I see God face to face, and it is good to remember that because it means that feeling incomplete is not to feel unsaved or unworthy, but rather to feel incomplete is to recognize again that Jesus gave Himself on the cross to make a way for me to be complete (glorified) when I get to heaven.  No other thing or person on earth could complete me.  Before Jesus came I was doomed to be incomplete forever!  But now I am being made more and more complete, albeit still not fully glorified. 

I desire to be in control and prepared for what I know is to come (papers, speeches, youth meetings, lectures, exams, family and friends) 

-God is allowing me to feel unstable and not in control or even as prepared as I'd like to be because maybe He wants it that way to show me that He is in control.  Maybe God wants me to feel that way so that I will work harder...but feeling out of control and unstable don't exactly give me the impetus to then work harder...I always just go back to pillow.  So perhaps that's not what God is saying.  Maybe God is saying that I feel that way because He wants to reveal to me that His grace is indeed sufficient for me.  

I desire to feel beautiful and powerful.

-how might this desire be redeemed in the gospel, so that it is a desire that honors God (is subservient to my desire for God)? 

I desire to be out of this funk.

-why the funk Lord?  Is this to help increase my faith? 

I desire to read and write easily for my school assignments and my blog. 

-why this trouble Lord?  

-when it comes easily do I begin to get arrogant?  Do I lose track of who gets the glory when these things are in place and "easy" for me?

-are You training me to endure and work diligently with my mind for something I don't yet see or even imagine?  Help me trust in You. 

I desire to be loved.

-I suppose this reveals the clear traces of human love in my heart where God's love can only fill completely.  I'm sorry.  Help me Lord.

I desire to have a hot bf to talk to about all my theological findings.

-uhh, yea I know this one is like embarrassing, but it came up so if the Holy Spirit is bringing it up, help me not to be ashamed to see it. Having my friends get married or have kids makes me lose sight of what's truly "beautiful" at times because of envy.  But also, it would be nice to have someone to talk to about You.  Someone hot.  

I desire felt over faith closeness with God.

-this faith closeness is suffering! 

-sigh.  But I also desire my faith to increase since faith is more about You and feeling is more about me. 

I desire self-sufficiency.

-mooching off my parents at 28 is not exactly ideal but I do recognize that I am blessed for this and that it doesn't take from my value, but it teaches me to grow steadily in humility.  Help me to see that more consistently.  If You didn't want me here, or being in this situation was not a part of Your will then I would not be here.  Help me see what You're so graciously always teaching me.  And thank You for the provision You give me as a reminder that every good thing is from You.  I am Your steward--whether that's with Your money, Your time, or Your circumstances that fill my life.  Help me to remember that when I can't Christ already did.  

“So we rebuilt the wall until the entire wall was joined together up to half its height, for the people had the will to keep working.

When our enemies heard that we knew their scheme and that God had frustrated it, every one of us returned to his own work on the wall.

And I, my brothers, my men, and the guards with me never took off our clothes. Each carried his weapon, even when washing.”

Nehemiah 4:6, 15, 23

I have the will to keep going because God is good in allowing me to do so despite this funk.

I know that God is in control even in this funk and that's why I can continue no matter what happens. 

May I never take off the righteousness of Christ that clothes me in white day and night, not because of my earning it but because of Him freely giving it to me. 

Building up,

Jmegrey