“For I am about to fall,
and my pain is constantly with me.
So I confess my guilt;
I am anxious because of my sin.
Lord, do not abandon me;
my God, do not be far from me.
Hurry to help me, Lord, my Savior.”
Psalms 38:17-18, 21-22
Wow. I read David's psalm in psalm 38 and the words flee from the pages of David's heart into mine.
The feeling I get before I fall into sin is usually very known to me. I am familiar with the feelings that lead up to the temptation and commission of my sins. Knowing everything that causes my anxiety, worry, envy, and so forth, only make me realize how helpless I am without God's help.
At times I don't understand why I choose the very thing I hate, even if I know it offends the God I love or why I continue in my sin even when I know it will only harm me and eventually lead to my decay (spiritually, mentally and physically).
The law of the Lord is sweet to my soul, because I know that when I am in Christ--who accomplished the law in Himself--I am made to walk in the way of life. In the way of life I choose to honor God and in doing so I reap life giving outcome spiritually, mentally and physically. Not just in a religious sense, but choosing life in Christ benefits me all around!
So it's very disheartening when I see that I am anxious, still, because of my sin. The thoughts that drag me down, the temptations I willfully step into, and the mindless actions I take that go against God's instruction....all for what? Pleasure? Pain? Boredom? It is usually a mixture of those things.
I want something,
but at the same time I don't want it.
But here in psalm 38 I felt the comfort of David's cry because he too knew what it meant to sit in his anxiety toward his sins. He didn't just accidentally fall into sin, but he was aware of them. He brought his sinful heart to God:
“Lord, my every desire is known to You;
my sighing is not hidden from You.”
Psalms 38:9
The fact that God sees everything, including the things we pretend are not there anymore, such as our dissatisfaction, longings, and envy of others who have what we want, is the truth.
Our every desire is known by God.
Our inner sighing is not hidden from Him.
He knows and hears every cry both audible and inaudible from our mouths and our hearts.
The pain.
The guilt.
The anxiety of our sins.
All of these things that redouble on one another and cause inflammation of the preceding element in the destructive cycle. It feels doomed and heavy. It feels as David also described:
“My heart races, my strength leaves me,
and even the light of my eyes has faded.
I am like a deaf person; I do not hear.
I am like a speechless person
who does not open his mouth.
I am like a man who does not hear
and has no arguments in his mouth.”
Psalms 38:10, 13-14
Flattened.
Utterly squashed to a sad pulp.
It is a discouraging time when the light leaves your eyes, when you have no strength, when you feel disabled and deaf to the words of Life, when you have no words to defend yourself, and when you know the sin you committed and cling to is your own. There is no argument to be made.
In that moment there remains one hope.
“I put my hope in You, Lord;
You will answer, Lord my God.”
Psalms 38:15
David knew that place of desolation well. He knew the ramifications it had on his mind and body, even on his reputation.
“For I said,
“Don’t let them rejoice over me —
those who are arrogant toward me
when I stumble.””
Psalms 38:16
David knew that his own sin lead to his own demise, which exposed him as the fool that he was to everyone. He knew this and he brought even that fear of embarrassment to God because David was very much aware of the fact that he still walked in the direction of sin. He was doomed by his own sins. Yet even this helplessness of his was not completely helpless in the sight of the God he knew and loved.
However, that only meant that David laid his heart bare before God. It did not mean God helped David according to David's expectations or hopes. David laid his heart bare with absolutely no predictions as to how or when God would act to help him. In the Psalm 39 David wrote:
“I said, “I will guard my ways so that I may not sin with my tongue;
I will guard my mouth with a muzzle
as long as the wicked are in my presence.”
I was speechless and quiet;
I kept silent, even from speaking good,
and my pain intensified."
David attempted to keep himself from speaking anything because he thought it was a matter of words that caused him to sin. However, the mere external act of refraining from speaking (where probably much of his behavioral sins flew out) did not change the more potent sin-sickness inside of his heart. It says that the more he kept silent the more his pain inside just intensified!
"My heart grew hot within me;
as I mused, a fire burned.
I spoke with my tongue:
“ Lord, reveal to me the end of my life
and the number of my days.
Let me know how short-lived I am.
You, indeed, have made my days short in length,
and my life span as nothing in Your sight.
Yes, every mortal man is only a vapor.
Selah"
Then David opened his mouth.
He tells God to show him his death. It sounds like David was basically saying "God, being quiet did nothing, so why don't you just kill me now." David's words sound half holy and half indignant because he's saying that God is so great that compared to His greatness all men's lives are just puffs of smoke, but on the other hand he's basically calling God uncaring about the life God gave him as he says it means nothing to God's sight. He's treading down a path of honesty as carefully as he can.
“Certainly, man walks about like a mere shadow.
Indeed, they frantically rush around in vain, gathering possessions without knowing who will get them."
David acknowledges the vanity of all life. The emphasis that people place on having things, how they frantically rush around to get to work, to make money, to plan things, achieve things, gather stuff in their houses, without knowing who will end up with what they have. Because new things become old things. Even the things they so badly want are not guaranteed because to want is only to have a desire for something but not the power to control or possess it.
In desire, too, humans are powerless to posses. But they sure do try. They kill themselves trying.
David concludes,
"Now, Lord, what do I wait for?
My hope is in You."
David asks God with absolute no expectations or assumptions about God. He has no idea what will happen or what he is waiting for God to do. All he says is that hope or any chance of anything good is only going to be found in God.
"Deliver me from all my transgressions;
do not make me the taunt of fools.
I am speechless;
I do not open my mouth because of what You have done.
Remove Your torment from me;
I fade away because of the force of Your hand.
You discipline a man with punishment for sin,
consuming like a moth what is precious to him;
every man is only a vapor. Selah”
Psalms 39:1-11
David recognized God's sovereignty.
Although he was pressed down by his anguish over the sin that corrupted him and brought him low, acknowledging that he needed God to save him from his own sins (not being a victim of others' sins), it was God who he knew to be in control.
Even of the way in which he felt tormented.
If David lost things that were precious to him (family, money, comfort, health, status) it was God being God--being in control, being Sovereign.
Yet David was a man after God's own heart. David loved God. At first it would seem strange to love a God that allowed so much torment to consume a person like David, but that's only if you were someone who had expectations about what it meant to be God. David held his heart open to God. He simply stated "what do I wait for?" Rather than saying something like "I know You'll give me back my comfort" or "I know that You will give me what I want." Or even "I know that this feeling of anguish will pass soon." These things are true and good things that are from God, but the emphasis was that David approached God as God, not as the solution to His problems.
David knew what ultimate treasure was. He knew that compared to God everything else mattered only under His submission to God as His King.
If pain happened to David, it was a matter of being open to God for the unknown.
If torment happened then David let it happen only as something God allowed.
If David was trapped by his sins, then it was God again who would deliver him.
When anything happened it was under the authority of God.
Whether David experienced something as good or bad, God was always still God.
When I am pressed down by the guilt of my sins, when I'm burdened by my own envy of others, when my desires for possessions have me frantically rushing around, when finally I am in a place of excruciating pain and torment spiritually, mentally and even physically, then I understand this psalm more vividly.
God remains to be God, and that never changes.
What do I wait for then?
I don't know, because I'm not God.
All I can do is bring Him my heart and lay it bare before His Sovereign will.
I have hope in God.
Hope: verb, to believe, desire and trust.
Hope: noun, the feeling that what is wanted can be had
I lay my heart bare before God, believing, desiring, and trusting Him with the feeling that everything I want is in Him--even if what I actually have is not what I want in this moment.
The hope I have is deeper than now and deeper than years. The hope of having what I desire is for the eternal. I hope in God, the only one who was and is to come now and forever.
He reigns.
He is King.
He rules my days.
He delivers me from my own sins.
He is my hope.
He is my desire.
He is God.
I was foolish to think pain or despair meant something was wrong. Those are feelings in my bare heart that still fall safely into God's hands.
Jmegrey
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