A year to renew my mind and learn to remain in the vine that is Jesus.
I've had 28 years of discovering who I am in the context of my identity with God and it has been tumultuous, to say the least. Seeing my knowledge paired with my actions was hopelessly disappointing, but through that I have learned the beauty and saving life of grace. I have struggled to understand myself, my reasons, motivations, and desires mixed in with guilt and shame from how each discovery was tainted by my own corruption of holiness, but again it was grace that gave me the ability to continue moving when I felt as if death was more suiting to my disposition.
It's a new year, and like most folks I feel like it's something like a new start for something better. Starting back at the beginning, but not really from the very beginning, but still a beginning in the sense that one cycle (year) has completed and a new one is about to start. Life seems to happen in these cycles since we celebrate birthdays by each year, and since we know how to calculate time and death by the passing years as well. Years passed are an indication that we are growing up toward maturity and growing old toward eternity.
It is in the days that I have found to hold the most difficulty. Someone once said, "the days are long, but the years are short." It is the day of every day that we have to make those minute decisions of where to go, what to do, what to eat, and what to see or speak. These seemingly small choices are actually what make us who we are, they give us our identity, and that, to me, is a bit disheartening and frightening because most of my small decisions are made by my feeling or steered by and towards my physical and mental comfort. I decide by striving for peace, happiness, and safety.
I want good things, but sometimes being comfortable or feeling "safe" is not actually what's giving me a life-giving identity, meaning a mature identity prepared for eternity. Sometimes I want to feel safe or comfortable because I'm scared for this life alone and it has little to do with maturing or eternity. But other times, I want to feel safe or comfortable because I am clueless as to what might be better in this life or in eternity. And still, other times I want to feel safe or comfortable because I'm feeling so unsafe or so uncomfortable in this life and about eternity. Perhaps it is a mixture of all three as well.
I need guidance, real counsel and convictional help from someone who knows me and can speak to me with the kind of words that have the ability to convince me and move past my barriers of defense. I need a lover whom I can trust to have my best in mind and who will forgive me when I start to get fearful and run away. I need someone who is strong enough to stay with me, wise enough to persuade me, gentle enough to wait for me, and God-enough to save me. No human person could do for me what I need most, to create in me a new heart and offer me eternal life to go with that new heart.
This past year, and especially the recent past months, I have been struck down but not destroyed. I made it out of 2015 alive...and for that I have a reason to sing. I should have been dead many times, but God saved me, protected me, nourished me back to health, and has brought me into 2016 with the promises He kept all throughout 2015.
Now, I have a moment to reflect back on what God has done for me as well as look at what God will continue to do for me this year.
First of all, God has been giving me an identity in His Son. I have been learning the clarity of being "in Christ" and "remaining." Before any steps of action and before being able to actually feel confident that I could do what I knew I was called to, God began laying down the specifics of what it was I was about to do. However, more than showing me the blueprint or the plan for how to do it He showed me why I would want to do it. He convinced me, not coerced me, into following His will. I had my will and He had His, and instead of obliterating my will He befriended it and made me freely willing to submit to His will. Despite many misunderstandings on my part God was patient with me to understand His words and to soften my heart to His voice and leading. The more clear His voice became the more I began to find an identity unlike the ones I thought I had before, an identity much stronger and much more alive than who I was slowly shedding from my mind.
“Jesus knew that the Father had given everything into His hands, that He had come from God, and that He was going back to God.”
John 13:3
My identity of being a child of God is still a work in progress. But I know this much, that once the truth of being a child really hits you then you become more and more sure of where you are going in this life. The reason I feel confident about working at my dad's church or free about buying stuff at Costco with my mom's credit card is because I'm their child. Not that I don't fear messing up, but it's that I feel sure and assured that I can mess up with less punishment because I know that at the end of the day they will most likely forgive me and love me. If my parents, who are human and very much sinners just like myself, can love me like that then how much more safe and secure should I feel knowing that God is my true Father! My true Maker and parent. So having my identity be a child of God has made me more and more sure that I am free to mess up yet in that freedom I have felt more and more safe and secure which has made me less anxious and insecure to be messing up in the first place!
“So He got up from supper, laid aside His robe, took a towel, and tied it around Himself.”
John 13:4
The more I began understanding my identity as a child of God the more I realized I had it in me to think about and serve others. Having myself become aware that I am fully cared for more and more by my heavenly, all-powerful Father made me free to let go of trying to defend myself in many situations and to find it a joy to do something out of love rather than fear. When we do things out of fear, things like trying to secure our futures out of fear of missing or losing out or trying to protect ourselves from harm, it's ....not living, it's slowly dying. Because when we live in fear we have Death nearby to make sure that everything is threatened to be gone one day. Opportunities, blessings, relationships, beauty, money, reputation, all of that is tainted by death when we strive for those things with fear in our hearts. However, when those things become free from fear because we know that God is our Father and we are His beloved children whom He cares for, then those things turn into life rather than commodities or something on our checklist. We actually live in opportunities, live in blessings, live in relationships, live in beauty, live in money, live in reputation and every good thing becomes what they were always meant to be: good things. Instead of making them things that bring us envy, guilt, or anger, they bring us joy, peace, and all the fruits of the spirit. It looks like a subtle difference, but in actuality, it's completely different when you have those things with an identity in Christ, being God's child, than when you consider having or actually have those things from an identity that fears losing or never having those things. When Christ pinpointed that He knew where He came from and where He was going, and this for certain, His identity as God's son is what made His next action all the more fitting. He had no need for anything, no fear of death, and no threat of losing His identity since it came from God, and therefore He could overflow a generosity of Himself to His disciples. He let go of the world's ideas of what it meant to be someone, whether a master or teacher, and showed us what it meant to be a Son or child of God. Being a child of God was a greater and more supreme identity than being a master or teacher. All the other identities were under the highest identity of belonging to the Father. Jesus proved this by breaking every concept of the world's perceived high ranking identities such as "master" or "teacher" or even "lord." He got down on his hands and feet and washed their feet to show that it was not about the action but about the conviction, the inward knowledge of knowing who you are and where you are going with so much certainty that you do what looks threatening to all other identities.
“I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”
John 13:34-35
Just in case we likely find ourselves washing a bunch of feet (serving) from an identity tainted by fear (having a checklist for fear of missing the mark as a complete spiritual or "holy" person) Jesus poignantly brings the point home by saying that He commands us to do the one thing we cannot do without Him and without an identity as a child of God: to love. Anyone can wash someone's feet with all the right external motions, but only a person who knows how much Jesus and their Heavenly Father loves them can do so with the inward affection of love toward the person whose feet they are touching. Two people can be washing the feet of others, and only God--who searches our hearts-- will be able to tell which is doing so from their identity as a child of His and which is doing it from an identity of trying to look like a child of His. The former has a freedom to love while the latter is concerned with a fear of who they might be if they don't do go through the motions. I try and repent of not loving others more and more, because I then catch more grace in each of my actions as having been God's actions through my unloving body...filling me with love after the action has been completed.
“Your heart must not be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if not, I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you. If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also. You know the way to where I am going.”
John 14:1-4
““Lord,” Thomas said, “we don’t know where You’re going. How can we know the way? ” Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”
John 14:5-6
I've lost my way in life many days, many years, and with much fear. Making decisions from insecurity rather than from my true identity. But each time I had but one thing to return to and that was Jesus. When I was stuck in between a rocky place or an abandoned area, Jesus lead me in the right way from there. When I was confused and could not discern between what was right and what was wrong, Jesus was the truth. When my life hit moments of the stench of death Jesus was the aroma and substance of life. He is the way, the truth and the life when I get lost, confused, and afraid.
“He is the Spirit of truth. The world is unable to receive Him because it doesn’t see Him or know Him. But you do know Him, because He remains with you and will be in you.”
John 14:17
Truth is one of those things you can't see like love or anger. You might see manifestations of it in a couple kissing (love) or someone flipping the bird to you on the freeway (anger), but those actions could also be done without either love or anger. Truth is also something that is invisible. It may appear to be manifesting in someone's confession or on a scantron test, but if we are talking about the kind of truth that reflects an honest person, a transparent person, then that is something no one can see with their physical eyes. Therefore the Spirit being a spirit of truth is not visible but inward. When we pray and ask God to speak it is listening to the inner voice of truth which we must feel okay surrendering our hearts to. The inner voice of truth, or the Spirit of God who searches our hearts (Psalm 139), already knows every single dirty black thought all the way down to the core of our being from birth to now. That's both cringe-worthy and loving at the same time. That God, who knows us through and through, desires to walk with us into our darkest moments and heal them with the light of His saving grace and truth. As we open our minds and hearts to the inner voice of truth, exploring the darkness with the light, God proves His Word to be true: that He did send His Son to die for our sins, and this He proves by revealing their powerlessness to us in the openness of our hearts to Him. I've yet to encounter a sin that was too "bad" to be done away with by the power of Christ's blood.
“In that day you will know that I am in My Father, you are in Me, and I am in you.”
John 14:20
This is like double inception. Jesus is in the Father, and we are in Jesus, and Jesus is also in us even though we are in Him. Haha. Basically, we are all so intimately connected to one another by His Spirit in us that it is both right to say that we are in Christ (protected and kept) as well as Christ in us (being guided and taught). The Spirit proceeds from the Son and speaks not on His own but what He hears. Therefore we are both in Christ because we have His way and truth and life in us by the Spirit given to us and Christ is in us by His indwelling Spirit given to dwell in our hearts.
Christ is all around us, in us, and as such we are also near to our Father. When we see, hear, and believe Jesus we are closer and closer to the Father whom we derive our identities from. When our identity is in that place of drawing nearer and nearer to God we are maturing into eternity. In other words, the kingdom of God, which is eternal, comes to life in us even as we are still on the earth as temporary physical beings. We carry treasures of eternal value in jars of clay, and one day when Jesus returns to gather all of us to Himself we will shed our clay molds and reveal the eternal treasures within. But until then we have the Spirit of truth to remind us and reveal to us our identity in clearer and clearer ways, whether by giving us feelings of peace or by proving our feelings of fear wrong through endurance and hardship. According to James the latter instance is effective for bringing about the most certainly and clarity, and it makes sense that it would. It's hard though. But I suppose I will never know why some choose Jesus and some do not. I choose to believe in Jesus even though it's hard because it's also really good after all the suffering takes place. In fact, it's good because the suffering takes place, and without suffering I would not fully appreciate and cherish the good that comes from it. To know the value of something is in large part to know the payment made, and when I choose to believe in Jesus I choose the highest life at the highest cost, which was His life given up on the cross. The moments I find this choice to be hard is only bits and pieces compared to what Jesus did for me.
“Every branch in Me that does not produce fruit He removes, and He prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce more fruit.”
John 15:2
For rational reasons it helps to be reminded that we are going to get cut in life either way. Either we will be cut off from the Vine (which is our identity being attached and remaining in Christ) or we will be cut on by the pruning shears of God. But either way we get cut. Haha. So there's painful cuts with or without God, and if that's the case it only makes it that much more apparent that to be cut while remaining on the vine is much better than to be cut off the Vine and left alone.
“Remain in Me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in Me. “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me.
If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be My disciples.”
John 15:4-5, 7-8
I love how Jesus explains the whole idea of remaining in Him more clearly in the second part of the passage when He repeats that we are to remain in Him. He says "and My words remain in you." So a part of what it means for Christ to remain in us and we in Him is to know His Words. It makes reading the bible less about checking off our list of holy things to do into something we read for survival and remaining in Him. When we think about what it looks like today to remain in Him, it would be something along the lines of reading our bible and soaking in His words until they are like seeds embedded in our hearts and growing larger by the moment. Some days I read His words and they just bounce right off of my ears and onto the floor into a seemingly useless pile, but other days they really stick and grow into new courageously driven fruits that encourage my feeble heart to consistently keep going and not lose hope. Even though the times where a his Words fall limp in my mind are very discouraging, God uses those moments to bring me deeper faith by seeking Him even more through the dryness. Those moments are a time of pruning, and I watch as God is cutting something off of me before I can begin to bear fruit again.
“As the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you. Remain in My love. If you keep My commands you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commands and remain in His love.”
John 15:9-10
This is the sweet but difficult part of His words. Not only is reading His words (the Bible) a way to remain in Him and He in us, but it also means we are remaining in Him when we remain fully convinced that He loves us. This is crucial because most of us might think we believe that God loves us while still having fear in our hearts that He might not because of something we've done or didn't do. To remain in His love is to feel safe and secure despite the presence of painful circumstances. It does not mean that we feel no pain or no hardships, but when we remain in His love we entrust that even through this awful moment God is making a way for us to end up happy and all good. By remaining in His love we are remaining fully loved, and when we are loved by God we have everything we need both now and in the future.
“You did not choose Me, but I chose you. I appointed you that you should go out and produce fruit and that your fruit should remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in My name, He will give you. This is what I command you: Love one another.”
John 15:16-17
Again there's the reminder that we can check out hearts by the amount of love we have for one another. That is how we best know we are fully loved by God, in seeing and being aware of how much we are able to love the persons set before us in a day.
“Remember the word I spoke to you: ‘A slave is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will also keep yours.
“When the Counselor comes, the One I will send to you from the Father — the Spirit of truth who proceeds from the Father — He will testify about Me.”
John 15:20, 26
This is the truth that Jesus was sent to give us. If what the Word says makes sense it is because the spirit of truth is in you testifying about Jesus to you. It means your identity is in Christ and you belong to God as His child.
“They will do these things because they haven’t known the Father or Me. But I have told you these things so that when their time comes you may remember I told them to you. I didn’t tell you these things from the beginning, because I was with you.”
John 16:3-4
There will come many a times where we will need God's Spirit to remind us of the truth we have received because we will most need to be reminded in the face of visible bad circumstances. When the restlessness, anxiety and fear take place they are indications for us that we are in need of being reminded by the Spirit of who we are. Those are the moments we are called to deeply seek the counsel of the Spirit.
“When the Spirit of truth comes, He will guide you into all the truth. For He will not speak on His own, but He will speak whatever He hears. He will also declare to you what is to come. He will glorify Me, because He will take from what is Mine and declare it to you.”
John 16:13-14
Being guided is to be quiet and follow. When the Spirit guides us it is often that we are called to quietly remain followers of His voice rather than of feelings unless the Spirit is using our feelings to guide us, but we will know when it is the voice of our Shepherd or the voice of a stranger. This is best revealed by the other two criteria that Jesus gave, being His word and His love. When both of those are still in place then being guided by the Spirit with or without feelings will also be made known. When neither are present then it would be wise to wait.
“I assure you: You will weep and wail, but the world will rejoice. You will become sorrowful, but your sorrow will turn to joy.
So you also have sorrow now. But I will see you again. Your hearts will rejoice, and no one will rob you of your joy.”
John 16:20, 22
Joy awaits us as we journey through each season of bearing fruit or of waiting for the Spirit's leading.
“In that day you will ask in My name. I am not telling you that I will make requests to the Father on your behalf. For the Father Himself loves you, because you have loved Me and have believed that I came from God.”
John 16:26-27
The Father loves us. Jesus is not saying that He will intercede on our behalf to the Father for our assurance as if the Father hated us but only loves us because His Son sort of camouflages us. Jesus shows us that it was the Father's love that was what placed us in Christ from before we were even in Him! Meaning the Father loves us in His own way that does not depend on Christ covering us in His blood and sacrifice. I mean, that brings a whole new meaning to His love of you really take the time to think about that.
“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world.”
John 16:33
And finally, here are the words spoken and written in our books before us so that when our peace is frail or absent we might draw upon the source of peace anew. We are going to suffer, but we have been given the end result of our suffering which is our place by the Father's side. This truth of our victory and our end in life must be fired up in our hearts if we are to remain courageous through the suffering in life. It has to be worth it to endure otherwise we won't last very long. I pray each day for God to become bigger and stronger and more beautiful to me everyday so that when the suffering circumstances surround me I can rely on my view of Christ to sustain me to the end. Without a proper view of Christ we will not have adequate means of surviving the times we suffer in the flesh.
May Christ be revealed to you today in a way that captivates you, and if that is your prayer I hope you will be that revelation of Christ to someone else so that in faith the same will be done for you.
We serve one another because the Master dwells in our hearts.
Jmegrey
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