The Rag Collector

       I came to a very clear understanding about 15 minutes ago, as I lay in my bed trying to find peace in my mind, my mind that was racing with thoughts of fear, fears of never making something of myself, fears of never marrying, fears of staying chained to my bad habits, fears of losing my parents and what that would do to me, fears of having to make a life for myself.  To me that life looked like living in a house, having a hard working husband, having kids, having some sort of list of accomplishments, and having a strong ministry.  All of which I do not have at the moment, and it kept scaring me.  I kept wondering, and trying to talk to God as I lay somewhat uncomfortably on my twin sized bed.  I spoke into the air, hoping God was listening, and then I spoke as if He were, told Him exactly how I felt.  As I trembled there, God showed me a mirror.  He showed me the girl I had been, and what I saw clearly did not match up with what I thought was the reflection of myself.  I saw a girl who was more concerned about being admired by people she didn't even need to be admired by.  I saw a girl trying to display godliness while stealing the true glory from God in living the way she did.  I saw the meaninglessness of all the worries and anxieties that I had once saw as real and out to ruin me.  I saw a girl who clung to comfort and who put herself above everyone, including God, while at the same time professing to be a servant to God and to others.  

       I saw that if what I believed was true then I was living all wrong.  I was putting value to rags, and then when those rags came back to me it was no wonder I was disappointed in them.  I would trade one rag in for another by emphasizing the need for a husband (not that husbands are rags, but the thought that having one would complete a person is) for emphasizing the need to be independent and make a name for myself in order to be my own provider.  I was trying to find a provider for myself, someone to take care of me, to love me, to make me whole, and if it wasn't a husband then it was going to be me.  It did not even occur to me that neither a man nor myself could ever provide for me (I had said that before, but my words were futile when I saw the girl in the mirror).  I had professed a million times over that God would be my only provider, but all along I was ignoring Him and seeking provision from all sorts of rags.  I was a rag collector.  I said that I would trust in Him, but when I looked in the mirror I saw a girl who held on to her fears of money and her physical appearance, both of which were deteriorating in her hands, like the rags they were, and while I said I trusted Him, I was clearly untrusting of HIm to take care of both of those needs.  I saw how stubborn I was, and it shook me, and I was shaking almost uncontrollably at the stark contrast between who I thought I was and who I really was when God showed me the mirror.  

       I would rather see myself for who I really am, which is to know that this life is so desolate and difficult and dark without God.  That only God can push back the darkness and protect me from the fears that rise up around me like dark shadows.  But that is exactly what they are, mere shadows that begin to pale when the Light shines on them.  There is nothing that can win against God.  

       Most importantly was that there is no fear in me that can not be obliterated by total surrender of myself to God.  That every breath I take, every thought I capture and entertain, every goal and dream I aspire after must be for the glory of God, He must be lifted higher and I must only bow to Him and no other thing, because everything else is a rag.

1 Peter 5

 Submit to God, Resist the Devil

verse5:  Likewise you younger people, submit yourselves to your elders.  Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility, for

"God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

verse6:  Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time,

verse7:  casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

verse8:  Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion (or a growing shadow), seeking whom he may devour.

verse9:  Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.  

verse10:  But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you.

verse11:  To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever.  Amen.