to find peace and joy in obeying You.
Please take all of my fears of relationships, money, and addictions away from me, off of me.
Please allow me into Your Presence to know You deeply.
Take delight in me.
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There are these moments that I really need to know, to feel and to experience that God is with me and for me. Moments where my confusion and fears start to make me sink into them like Peter in the storm when he stepped out of the boat. I need Jesus to grab a hold of me and pull me back up, because I feel like I am at a moment's notice about to go under, and that is terrifying to me. The thought of losing sight of Christ and being swallowed up by the storm is beyond scary. In those moments, in these moments, which are often paired with trembling, I quickly cry out for God to take a hold of me in an extra obvious and almost tangible way so that I know with little to no doubt that I will be ok; that the waters will not separate me from Him.
Philippians 1:10
"so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ." (preceded by how our love must abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight)
All things come through Jesus.
When the confusion in my head beings to produce fear, I seek out to have more knowledge and depth of insight, through Jesus, in order to be able to discern what is best...and then do that.
Paul wrote in verse 12 (of Philippians 1) that his situation (being imprisoned) had happened to serve the advancement of the gospel. He saw the light where most would be blinded by thick darkness. He had full confidence that nothing could tear him away from God and the work being done in and through him, especially in his dire circumstances.
I want that confidence. To know that nothing can or will tear me away from Jesus.
Phil 1:19
"for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."
The reason for prayer is so that our prayers and the Spirit of Jesus will use whatever happens to us to deliver us from darkness and into light. We need prayer and we need the help given by the Spirit of Jesus to take us from situations that appear dire or devastating into glory, which is our being rescued from darkness.
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I can kind of understand Paul when he says that he is torn between the desire to depart (essentially to die) to be wholly united with Jesus with the knowledge that he also feels called to stay (alive) on behalf of the church to bear fruit necessary in aiding others toward Christ. He knew he could and would be used to bring an overflow of joy in Christ Jesus to the body. This proposition intimidates me, that I could and will be used in a similar way to bring joy to the body in Christ Jesus. That I am to be used by God to bear fruit for the body, it scares me. It scares me because it is so meaningful and powerful. To be used by GOd, but not only that but to be the person who God delivers JOY through. Joy is not an easy thing to come by in this life. Every day I hear both believers and non-believers talk about their struggles in life that are fettered with feelings of despair, depression, apathy, loneliness, hopelessness and sadness. Deep and intense degrees of these things. I also know the depth of such dark places because I have been in them myself before. I know how scary and painful it is. So to have my eyes opened to all of that and then be commissioned to deliver joy...JOY is so overwhelming, and also frightening. It is walking into a deep, dark cave carrying a backpack of provisions and map of the way out. Walking with a flashlight and seeing the dozens, then hundreds, thousands, a countless number of people hidden and huddled in the deepest parts of the cave who have been starving there. It's a fear in me of seeing just how many people there are who I can and will be helping, then a trembling of telling them the good news without becoming overwhelmed by the enormous deliverance Christ brings to them through one meager, trembling me. Not that I am doing much or anything at all, but that through my trembling obedience I am ruthlessly trusting in God to hold me together both mentally and spiritually and even physically as He uses me to bring hope and joy into such an intense darkness. Power like that is life-altering, it's not something that can happen without a full surrender of self to His leading.
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Philippians 1:22
"...I do not know!"
Paul was confused too! In verse 20 he says "...Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.", emphasizing that it mattered not what his circumstances were, whether he was going to be killed or gearing up to speak to a big group of people in need of the gospel, Paul knew he only needed to know that whatever happened Christ needed to be exalted through his actions and reactions.
Even as I write these things down, I tremble, because there could be an ounce of self-glorification in me, a part of me that desires to have this read with the intention of being liked or seen as wise, thus robbing some of the glory to whom all glory belongs. I hope that whatever I write and everything that is read is done so with all credit and glory going to God, who I pray uses me to deliver JOY and progress in the body of faith. No that I, myself, am doing anything, but that the Spirit of Jesus Christ in me is working through me. That being said, verse 28 of Philippians 1 says:
"without being frightened in any way (ANY WAY!) by those who oppose you (which to me means those in darkness since I am seeking to walk in the light, as well as the darkness itself)."
I mentioned earlier of my fears and how scared I can get, but this passage clearly states that we are not to be frightened in any way by the darkness that often tries to swallow us. Because (Philippians 1:29) "...it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on Him, but AlSO to suffer for Him." That to me sheds insightful light on my fears, especially those fears that make me suffer because I feel like Christ is about to be too far from me because of darkness, often my own sin, but also the suffering of being isolated from those in the world (most felt with friends and family). Paul seems to be saying that when we believe in Christ we also suffer for Him both because of persecution but also because of the agony of being separated from Him when our sin entangles us. In the latter case it is in those moments that we must suffer as we fight to push back the darkness of our past and present fears and simply cry out to God to save us; to take a hold of our hands and keep us from going under.
I read somewhere that suffering with a purpose is a privilege. Suffering in and of itself is terrible, but suffering for Christ is the process of redemption, and in that comes joy.
So take heart, if you're like me and find yourself in moments of isolation or the feeling of an impending separation from Jesus because of your sin, and cry out to Him who hears us (1 John 5:15- And if we know that he listens to our requests, we can be sure that we have what we ask him for.)
j
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