Thundering thoughts

       So I asked God today, while laying down on my bed feeling deflated from the night before,  and even from the morning...I asked Him "what would You like me to do?  What should I do?"  A question I find myself asking Him quite often, in my times of weakness and when I'm feeling like I have nothing in my control.  I asked him audibly, because I needed to say the words out loud to hear them so that I knew that I asked Him.  Last night was overwhelming, to say the least.  I had to shut everything down so that I wouldn't feel anything, because we were short staffed at the restaurant I serve at, and people were pulling me from 8 different directions, asking questions for which I did not have answers for, and getting impatient with me.  I was overwhelmed, so I turned myself off and turned into a white blank page.  

Thunder just cracked so loud by my window my chest thumped.  Perhaps it's Gods way of telling me He hears me, that He is in control and almighty and full of authority.  That my meagerness is lifted and filled with strength when I just let everything go and trust in Him.  Or maybe it's just really loud, scary thunder.

       I don't know for certain (I never do), but what if we don't have to do any ONE thing.  What if we could do what we wanted to so long as we did it for the glory of God.  For example, what if I could just move to Russia and ...wait, no...that's not what I want to do...what if I could do some missionary program where I learn how to help people...and then go from country to country doing that.  To me, that seems too easy...I feel like I need to learn how to give God glory in every circumstance and place that I find myself in first.  The hardest circumstance being here, in the United States; at work, where I try to make money to pay for rent and food...all while being a representation of Jesus...although I don't really speak much about the gospel to my coworkers...because what if I get fired?  Then I won't be able to pay for rent.  So i suppose it boils down to trust again.  Trusting and believing that The Lord provides in miraculous ways when we obey Him.  And in regards to up and leaving to a third world or foreign country, I feel like I'm being lazy.  It's my way out from not being able to be successful in my present circumstances...I wouldn't be losing anything if I left.  Now, if I had built up a career through my sweat and blood that was successful, then to leave would feel like more of a sacrifice.  However presently I only feel like I was running from the lesson God was trying to show me in order to grow, that being finding my joy and rest in Him alone and not in measuring my failures and accomplishments.  Right now, I'm not there yet.  I still feel the oscillating swing of what I do and don't do, to what God does despite myself altogether.  

       These are just some thoughts in the thunder of my mind, and literally outside my window. 

J