I'm at 8th and Roast Inc. It's my newly found favorite coffee shop, not only because their coffee is so delicious and decadent, but bc the place has a great atmosphere to get writing done. It's not so big as to feel loud and commercial, but it's just the right size for that speckle of intimacy between strangers and the stillness needed to concentrate on writing/reading.
I'm going through the book of Job and James. I began with just wanting something, anything, even if just a short sentence from the Holy Spirit to speak words of life and encouragement to me, something to direct me, even if just a little bit, and I ended up having this intense (still short) conversation with a stranger when I pulled out my study bible, haha. I shared so much, which just shows the eagerness in my heart, but at the same time I was listening to his words of passion, making an effort to keep up with his words (because I tend to think way too much when people start speaking to me, that I have to actively tune my thoughts out, to really hear what the other person is saying-- this must be some sort of neural condition...or I'm just THAT inconsiderate and self-seeking. Which, again, is why I desperately need Jesus, haha, among other reasons.) But as he was speaking, I was so encouraged by his enthusiasm and the way he just lit right up and was so confident in his relationship with the Lord. It was beautiful, and very attractive. Alas he is married, of course, haha, but point being, there are solid men of God out there who have a seriously awesome relationship with the Lord, and I was starkly reminded of that. Not only that, but his passion for Christ really stirred in me something that I needed. To be reminded that following Christ is about transformation, about trusting in God despite all the fear that wants to hold you back from letting go, and waiting on the Lord to show you real Joy. That kept resonating with me as my friend was speaking; wait, Jamie, wait and see, let go, and then just wait. It'll feel like suicide, but what have you got to lose? The logical thing to do would be to at least give the Lord an opportunity to reveal Himself by trusting in Him. However, I'm almost confident that if I did wait, I would be amazed, and even that scares me. To know that my life would be intrinsically flipped inside out. I'd be one of those radiant "christians", the ones who are undeniably walking closely with the Lord, and who exude this bright eyed confidence...my eyes are dull. I want bright eyes.
Ok, I'm at a new place (my favorite midday spot to eat and write), Kay Bob's and the thunder and lightening are at it's peak. At any moment, I may die. I'm not being dramatic (to me), the thunder scares me, I hate to admit that, but it does. I don't know why, ...actually I know exactly why. It is obnoxiously loud, it makes everything shake and could at any moment strike me. So yes, impending death feels imminent when the weather is like this. I'm a little happy-scared. Happy because it's so surreal to be indoors next to a window watching and feeling the this:
You may or may not be able to tell how intense the rain is, not to mention you can't even see or hear the lightening/thunder, but it's definitely there.
So my story. My story is still too sensitive for me to share, but I know it'll be paramount when I do. I want for my life to be a light for others, because that's what others' stories have been for me. A broken and desperate mess that Christ used to illustrate His sweet grace, and a humbling freedom to allow His perfect and overwhelming love to passionately capture all of oneself to Him. However, it's going to take a blind trust on my part, and that's frightening to me. Job 24:22 says that no man is sure of life, and this could not be more true in my eyes. I have no idea what will happen to me in this storm, but it's calmed down quite a bit, so perhaps I shall live after all. I don't know who I will marry, if I will ever get published...or if I'll ever even finish a book (sad, but true...but I'm gonna say that I definitely will...because I must. haha), what sort of health issues I will face first as I get older (since we are all heading toward old age and the "perks" of that process), I don't know any of these things. I'm unsure just as Job said it. Then in verse 23 he writes that the Lord gives us security, and we RELY on it (that security). In order for me to have that confidence, those bright eyes, captivation of heart, mind, and strength, I must rely on getting all of that from Jesus. Not from a man (no matter how tall and handsome and intelligent and rich he is.. haha), not from a publication (no matter how many millions I make haha), not from the perfect body, or anything else. He is the only light that can and will give the bright to mine eyes. When I begin to wait and see the Lord walk me through this storm, scared to pieces as I am, I know for certain that the outcome will be a cogent testimony.
Verse 23 finishes with the Lord's eyes being on our ways, not our intentions or our prayers even, but our ways. He watches which way we go, toward him or away, and that is the measure of our trust in Him. If I trust the Lord I will walk toward Him in obedience, and that doesn't mean I will be perfect, but I'll be continuing on toward good conduct rather than steps that are self-seeking in my heart (James 3). Freedom comes with a price, but what you pay is like crinkled wrappers compared to what you get: freedom, bright eyes. Now, being convinced of all this, I know it will take some time for you to be able to begin trusting in Him. I know this, because I, myself, am still clinging on to my old chains, but meeting my friend at Roast earlier, gave me a glimpse into that which God desires to give me, and to give you. Those bright eyes.
So my prayer for you and for myself is this:
"Thank you Jesus for speaking life into me today. Please help me to have the courage to change directions and walk toward you."
He loves you with the rain, the sounds of united instruments, and all of those things that make your heart grateful. That is Him conveying a glimpse of how much He longs for you, wants to have you close to Him, to give you great joy and those strikingly beautiful bright eyes.
Your story can change the life of the next person you meet at a coffee shop. ;)
J
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