Dear brother,
There is a tangible ache in my heart. I realized that I did not truly know God, and that I can't stand to be still because it scares me. I know God is showing Himself to me, because I long for Him despite how I also long to cling to all the idols that line my heart like countless seeds. Each one is dug into me, and must come out until there is only pure fruit. The thought of surrendering myself to God scares me. I start to panic, and I feel pulled at both ends. One end is saying that God may not deliver what I want, while the other is screaming at me to face the truth! To see myself as I am, tied and bound to something that will eventually destroy me, how can a slave to sin taste the joys of freedom if they do not first remove the chains? I keep trying to walk into freedom with my chains on, just in case....in case of what? Nothing. It is such an illogical fear, this business of real trust. To risk the reigns of control, pay the cost of no longer being my own master, and all those tiny bursts and moments of instant gratification. I keep thinking: what if this is as good as it will get, but deep down my spirit groans at such foolish thinking. But here I am, once again approaching God as I truly see Him, a stranger who does not have time for a foolish girl like me, but I still ask Him to help me. I'm desperate, even if these minutes of sincerity will only last a breath, I use the seconds to cry before Him. Knowing my heart will harden tomorrow, I still speak laced with sorrow. Oh that Jesus would meet me in this moment, to wipe away my tears and take away these chains for good. I want for Him to be everything, but it is as if He is waiting for all the idols in my life to crumble and fade, and as they do, each one, feels scary, but He just keeps saying "Jamie, my beautiful and precious daughter, trust in me."
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