What if...

I wanted perfection.

I spend so much time, concern, and pride in accumulating and grasping at perfection, and it took me several failed attempts, to recognize that the more I tried to attain perfection in the worldly sense the more I began to decay, fail, and lose my grip on good opportunities.  I was a sinking ship, with nothing but bubbling anxiety to show for as I sank further down.  I need to change, I kept thinking.  I can't keep doing this, this futile straining with destruction on the horizon.  If anything, I also hoped that'd I be shown grace enough to change before a major calamity.  I am at least wise enough to know that I'm not invincible, and the longer I pretended to be the more I put myself in harms way.  It would only be a matter of time, and I don't want to sit around waiting for a bad thing.  

To let go of the one and only thing I presume to have a hand in...that being myself, and let God mold me is a scary and joyful thought.

What if I fail?

What if I die?

What if nobody loves me?

What if I am not really one of His?

What if I never get passed this?

What if I lose everything?

What if I am swallowed up by suffering?

What if I never find happiness?

What if it just gets worse?

Or conversely...

What if I taste and get real freedom?

What if letting go was when I was able to be loved? 

What if I do great things with meaning?

What if I get Heaven?

What if I touch and help bring lost lives to Jesus?

What if I can love others better?

What if everything is provided for by God?

Then as I thought more about actually risking it and letting go....

What if I have to start over?

What if my friends stop admiring me?

What if people make fun of me?

What if it takes me years before I taste this freedom? (40 years in the desert sounds really long)

What if I make a ton of wrong moves the first few times because of my inability to truly hear from God?

What if I fail.

What if....

What if....

Before I even thought about what exactly it would be that God would call me to do, I had to be certain that I would be willing to do that.  This means understanding just what exactly "letting go" means.  The fears I would be facing, the sufferings I would be enduring, but most of all the free fall.  That panicky moment when you realize that everything you're afraid of happening might just actually happen, but you jump anyway.  You jump because it just has to be better than than where you are now.  

These are the thoughts I'm beginning to untangle around my imperfect heart, so that I can have it ready to be taken out and completely swapped for a new heart. 

I want to help people fully see Jesus, but I have to see Him fully myself before I can help others to do so. 

I will share about what I read in the bible later as well.  It's always pertinent to hold your convictions to the standard of God's Word. 

-J