Imagine you're in the bathroom, and you're about to take a really hot shower so you have the hot water running through the shower head. You sit on the toilet for a time to get business done, and you start thinking about your last relationship, then what you want to cook for dinner tonight, and then about your future, and about 15 min pass by and the mirrors have fogged up from the heat. You see the moist air filling your bathroom and want to reach for the door to let some of the steam out, but you can't because you're still on the toilet. You're just stuck in the hotness, perspiration begins to coat your arms the sides of your temples. When you breathe in you can almost take sips of the hot air.
You are just breathing, and waiting to open that door. Now imagine there's no door, and instead of a bathroom you're just in your bedroom...welcome to my life in Cambodia. :)
Comfort is definitely hard to come by here, whether it's the temperature, humidity, food, toilets, beds, safety, all the dust everywhere caking me, bugs, or the cultural differences that inhibit parts of your personality. (For example, humor is a difficult one for me to get here, and I can't wear shorts or tank tops which are my bread and butter especially in weather conditions as hot as this.)
So there have been moments, sometimes days, where I think:
"Why am I putting myself through all this?
Why did I pay to come study here just to be so uncomfortable?
I don't think I could live here as a missionary."
But I look at the changes in myself since coming here, and I can't help but smile with so much confidence and joy. I attribute the majority of this confidence and joy to God who was gracious to place me in a place where I was challenged and forced to give up so much of my comfort, because it also pushed me to look for Him more. I needed that, and I can honestly say that it's so worth all the humidity, the dirty dust everywhere, the 59 bug bites I've accumulated, and sharing a dingy bathroom with 7 girls to have finally begun to grasp who God is, His nature, His character. I read what I just wrote and it just doesn't do justice to the depth of truth I want to convey. Basically, I want to say that this isn't a temporary thing, it's not like one lesson learned. This is wisdom in living to make choices that bring us closer to God, even if that means we have to live in Cambodia or the desert...til we die. It's recognizing that knowing Him is worth more than comfort or whatever else. That to have God is better than anything (yes, even better than a good nights rest, 3 meals a day, better than having a nice body or a spouse, He is better!) but I know this won't make sense or really bear clarity for most people, because you haven't really seen who God is. To know God comes at a great cost. He asks us for everything, all you fellow control freaks out there this is where you feel the urge to book it. It's about trading in all your "maybes" in for a certainly.
You think ... but if I give up my comfort, my reputation, my stuff!!...
Maybe I won't have good food!
Maybe I'll get sick, fat and pimply!
Maybe I'll never marry!
But God says:
Certainly I am your Provider.
Certainly I am your Healer.
Certainly I love you, my daughter.
So for me it came down to asking myself: is it worth it to keep the "maybes" for the "certainly"?
And only if the "certainly" is truly certain then it's stupidity to hold on to the "maybes". And this is where things get hard and real, because if the certainly is not certain, then you don't know who God is.
All I can say is, I've come to know God, and I would never trade where I am now to go back to where I was. God is so good, I embrace the challenges because through them I see who God is a little more and the more I see Him the more I am awed by just how good He is. Seriously there are no words, my life as it begins to be completely all for His glory will hopefully show what I'm trying to say.
James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Read that over and over. There's gold in there.
My prayer for myself and for you is that God would not teach you anything more til you first apply what you know already.
-j
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