This week was really different than the past other weeks. It was more difficult to be thankful, not because God wasn't being good or pouring joy and blessings into my life, but because I chose to grab on to my sense of entitlement. I chose to get irritated with the people who kept wanting to talk to me about things I didn't care about, and I chose to let the humidity and discomfort of sweating make me feel as if I was a victim of harsh conditions rather than a servant of undeserved grace. Suddenly I got off my knees, and turned away from Jesus and instead started digging around in the trash for all those things I had thrown away just days ago. I was finding crumpled up pieces of my greed, shreds of my sense of entitlement, peelings of my selfishness, and rags of my pride; it didn't happen all of a sudden, in fact I was surprised when I looked around me and saw how my perspective had changed. I hadn't even really noticed when I had turned from Gods face to my rubbish. It was only until I felt so trapped and overwhelmed by circumstances and people that I realized my gaze had shifted. I had to repent. I made a choice to follow Jesus a few days ago, not just to follow but to deny everything I have and do whatever He says. I gave up my rights (we don't have any to begin with, only the illusion of it). We each have no right to any good thing, but God in his goodness and love for us blesses us with every good thing. That is something that is so important to recognize if you choose to have a relationship with God. He is God, you are not. The sooner this reaches your heart from your head (in other words the sooner you apply this rather than just say it) the sooner the real work of transformation can begin.
A daily surrender will only be possible and make sense if you know who God is. The cost may look too high (I used to think giving my everything would be impossible, and that that was just a way to "shoot for the moon only to land on a star", but God says nothing is impossible with Him, and the moon is not only reachable, it's a light that woos our hearts everyday. God desires us to know Him, He desires to speak to you! Once again, the cost will only look like nothing if you know and believe that He is God, He is good, and He loves you.
I have to be reminded of who I really am everyday, beginning with the moment I get up to go pee, and carrying on to the midday when relapse usually crouches at every corner, onto the night when I take in a deep breath of gratitude for Gods grace in it all.
I am a daughter of God. There is no higher privelage than that. I lack nothing. Come what may, be it sweaty days and humid nights with swarms of mosquitos and cockroaches and spiders, dust clogging up my pores, come whatever! God is good. Gods plan is perfect, and He tells me everyday (when I listen) that He so deeply has affections for me!
Another day of letting go of even more,
J
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