Joy-full

       Could I serve a God I wasn't completely surrendered to? Could I serve a God I withheld things from, and not just anything but the deepest things in my heart?  I wondered this tonight as I prayed and kept getting reminded of the one thing in my heart God kept asking me to give Him since arriving in Cambodia.  I kept finding ways to avoid it, to justify holding on to it, even reasons that appeared godly! I wrestled with this, and it came down to the question of "could I live my life holding on to this (and other things) and still follow God who asked me to give Him my whole heart?"  Not only if that was possible, because it probably isn't, but also would I even want to serve a God that was whatever I made Him out to be...a fake God, my make-believe God who was ok with me not giving Him everything not because I thought it was impossible (because let's just face it, it's possible you just don't want to go through the pain of detachment or the fear of change and unknown outcomes), but it wouldn't be the God of the bible that clearly commands those who love Him to give 

up everything on a daily basis.

 (Luke 9:23)

  I thought about how I could still appear to be good, I could still look like a "good Christian" to other people so as to remain a part of this community, but deep down, I would know that I wasn't sure because I had resigned to holding back from fully knowing Him.  It would be something like getting married to someone over the internet, never actually meeting this person, never getting to embrace him, never getting to stare into his face and tell him how much I loved him, never getting to have a lord of the rings marathon with, or never getting to cry and be held by him.  It would be so dissatisfying!  I would hate that!  I'd rather not marry because it would be so futile.  Because there would be no real intimacy.  Likewise, when I fought to wonder if letting the one thing that was in my heart go, I had to really weigh what was happening.  I could keep it, and at first that felt safe.  It was mine, a subtle sniff of entitlement.  I could think this was "my best effort" so that should be enough, but that was a lie because it didn't take much effort to just ignore what He wanted and carry on with my life the way I saw fit.  Then I wondered if I would be ok serving a God I only barely knew (because intimacy with Him requires us to give Him everything, especially the thing we hold so strongly in our hearts, because God who needs nothing from us only desires our hearts-- and this is so individual for each person.  Some hold on to a relationship, some hold on to food, maybe you hold on to a job, or in your heart it might even be a cheap pair of earrings, maybe it's a child, a house, it could be money, your ministry, your right to be angry.  God knows what it is, and He wants us to let go of that because He loves us.  From the beginning He has been saying He is better, that everything else will fade away in time.). So the question was answered: He is better!  To follow God without real intimacy turned out to be completely futile and utterly dissatisfying, better to not follow Him at all then because you'd get the same result.  

Then I was reminded that everything belongs to God anyway!  That He gives and takes away, but just as He had manna fall from the sky to feed the Israelites in the desert, He will not abandon me to be destroyed, because I believe He is good and that He loves me.  These truths are essential to trusting Him, to giving up everything to Him, but it must start by faith.  It is a choice, and if you want to really know who God is, how good He is and how He so loves you, then ask Him to show you (if you aren't already aware) what is in your heart that He wants.  If it's easy to give up right away, that probably wasn't it. Haha.  I wrestled with mine for weeks here in Cambodia, the decision kept swinging from one end to the other.  I'd ask myself "God, are You sure

THIS is what You want?  No, right?  It's so trivial!  Surely You don't really want this, ...right?"  And other days, usually during worship or prayer, I would feel so convicted and think "well even if this wasn't what You were asking for, clearly I keep seeing it pop up in my heart, so why would I take even the slightest chance at missing out on what You want to show me by holding this thing, this trivial and meaningless thing, back from You?!"  I would be shown how I really had nothing to lose, because everything belonged to God anyway.  But God in his goodness and love wanted me to choose Him through this, because as difficult as it was to even think about letting this one thing go I knew it would drive me right into His arms.  

(And it's embarrassing because it is really such a small thing!)

Gods arms.  God who just speaks and things get created!  Show me someone else who says "tree!" And poof! A tree.  God who says that His footstool is the earth!  Those are some massive feet.  There is so much confidence and comfort when You're in arms of that kind of power. 

I could go on, but I won't because it would just be repeating myself in different ways to make my point even more clear.  

So my hope is that you, by faith, give Him everything in order to know Him intimately.  That whether you end up having much or little, pain or sadness, that despite all of that you would have a deep resounding confidence and joy to the point where come what may, you'd see how good God is,who so ferociously loves you, and everything else just fades away in comparison.  This JOY is amazing.  I'm in Cambodia, it's sticky and there are bugs everywhere in my food and eating my ankles, but man, I have some seriously precious Joy.

Joyfully,

J

Later the next day...

So I gave it up, my heart wrenching at the thought of losing this thing but with the wisdom to know that He is better...and all I heard God say was, ok, and now for the next thing I want...

Because it's never just one thing, if it was that simple there'd be tons of perfect people walking the earth today.  It's waking up and saying, ok God today I give you more.  Then the next day, ok God I give You even more, and the next day more, and everyday after that until there is significantly less of yourself and significantly more of Jesus; all the while never expecting praise or even the slightest acknowledgment for "your efforts" or "your offering" or "your obedience".  It wouldn't make sense to be praised for giving up something that never belonged to you in the first place in exchange for something better that you don't even deserve.  All the praise and acknowledgment goes to the God who shows us so much grace, and along the way you see that what you gave up pales drastically in comparison to what you gain in such lavish grace.  

All because of His love and for His glory.