In me there is good and in me there is bad.
In me is one against the other.
So I find myself thinking two ways.
One is always good and the other is sometimes hard to decipher as good or bad.
I question my beliefs a lot of the times because of this very dark dichotomy. A dichotomy between thought and action. I want to do good, I think many thoughts and imagine all the different ways I can do good for others, but what I do...what I do goes contrary to what I thought about. Even if I do the good, I muddle it with my thoughts of wanting recognition or admiration or attention.
I want my actions to be inspired by getting Gods attention only. I know His love for me does not change in even the smallest degree no matter if I do good or bad, since my sins have been nailed to the cross and completely forgiven, but I want to be transformed by the Holy Spirit (the spirit of God-- in case you are not aware there is in the trinity: God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit all in one unified deity). But I won't go into that now, it's something I truly believe can only be given to those who earnestly desire to know God, only God can make that which is impossible comprehensible to us. Like love. We think love is a feeling, but love is so wide in scope, it is never fleeting as feelings are. It is alive and mobilizes our intentions to bring about changed directions. Likewise, when I started knowing more about God and He started telling me He loves me through so many people and things, I began changing my mind about myself, changing my direction, wanting to leave behind everything in pursuit of Him because He loves me.
So transformation. I have my doubts sometimes about whether or not can change. Most of the time I want to change due to something I want. However, I want to change because God loves me. I want to change forever, and not just for a season. I want change that makes me u recognizable, change that makes me surprise even myself!
What if life is more than myself?
I know it is, but I certainly don't live like it isn't.
What if being in community and serving others not just with my hands or feet and money, but with my heart too, what if that was what the mystery of life was all about?
His grace teaches me to say "no" to living a life all about me.
His grace helps me live self-controlled, upright and godly.
His grace is what stirs in me a compulsion to think things through for the sake of being less about myself and more about the people He so loves that are all around me.
By grace I am transformed. It is in God's wonderful mercy that I begin to be more loving and giving and kind and gentle and live a life worthy of Him.
Wherever God leads me will be more evidence of His grace.
He places me where I need to be, wherever that is, in order that I be even more conditioned to respond to my King in the way that I was made to.
"For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people.
It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions,
and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,
while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ,
who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good."(Titus 2:11-14 NIV)
I am eager to do what is good.
However I continue after God's heart even when I am utterly desolate in my mind and covered in the filth of my selfishness, because I want so badly to be given a new life with a new heart that pleases God. I want to stand with God on the mountain top. I want to hear Him speak and have conversations with Him. I want wake up with joy and go to bed thankful. I want to pray and see things happen according to my prayers because He listens to me. I want more of Him and less of myself.
I have lived 27 years of my life for myself, and it has not been sufficient for me except in those brief moments when I was close to God.
I want to breathe in His love for me, to trust in it, and do whatever is set before me with the knowledge that He loves me.
"But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared,
he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done,
but because of his mercy.
He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.
This is a trustworthy saying. And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good.
These things are excellent and profitable for everyone.
(Titus 3:4-8 NIV)
As I leave for outreach tomorrow, I will be careful to devote myself to doing what is good.
Because of His mercy.
Lavished by grace,
J
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