As I got into the taxi for the 3-hour ride from beautiful Battambang to the airport in siem reap, I started seeing all the faces and places that I suddenly realized had captivated me. We began driving. I was not aware of just how much I would be loved and love here. So many people that I would miss, that I did suddenly miss but could not see from my seat in the taxi. We drove past coconut trees and tin roof shacks with bike tires hanging like bangles. So many similar shops lined the red dusty roads, large old fashioned coca cola bottles filled with diluted petroleum for moto bikes, the dark skinned men standing in front of their garage-like shops and the women in colorful pajamas sitting or sleeping in hammocks. The school children on bicycles in their white shirts and blue pleated skirts and pants. The other children riding their bikes with a bit of carefree rebellion in their smiles. Mangoes, bananas, baby watermelon for sale on small wooden tables. Trash piles being burned, smoke rising over piles of ash. And a face. Then another. I love the people here. My heart hurt to know that my seat in the taxi meant I wouldn't see them for a while. Our physical friendships became mortal and driving away meant I'd miss them, wouldn't have them with me anymore, and that made me sad.
I thank God for having brought me to Cambodia, first to show me more of Himself, second, for the people, and third for the experience that taught me how there is a bigger meaning to living than what I know and we should always praise God for His love. I never see the full picture, but once in a while i get a glimpse of God's bigness as one might see when looking down on earth from space. The nations. The cultures. People and their languages. All were made to praise God, and none is better than the other. I want to see more, meet more, and share the amazing gospel of grace more.
Grace. A word I have heard and said and read a million times like "I'm good" when people ask how I'm doing. I'm not always "good", hardly ever actually, but I say it because that's what we say when we are asked regardless of what's really going on. Maybe I'm confused or angry, lonely, bored or apathetic, but "I'm good" cuz I don't want to think about it in front of people. I could be feeling amazing, full of happiness and excitement, and I will still say "I'm good". It's strange that I don't expand on my inner self to others very much, but probably because I also know "how are you" is not really asking how I am, but that's also something people just say because that's just what we say. It's routine.
In the same nonchalance I used to talk of grace. It was nice, cute sometimes, like a soft smile or polite nod. "God's grace" was more of a decoration in the church, said to sound Christian or because that's just what you said; routine. The word was utterly devoid of it's catastrophic birth and preposterous meaning. If the church really knew what grace was and is it would be so scandalous! Judgment of others would rapidly fade out. Love for God would increase exponentially. And maybe, just maybe more people would have the Holy Spirit as the result.
So I am still in the process of understanding this unbelievable grace of God until, hopefully, it is believable to me. What I write is from my time spent talking with God through the bible, prayer and fellowship with others. There is nothing you can do that will solidify your faith more than seek God for yourself. I hope you can come to your own understanding and conclusions and not just agree or disagree with what I say (or what anyone says for that matter). God desires us to know Him, not know about Him.
Here's what I think God showed me regarding His grace.
Grace was a changing room before standing at Gods throne of judgment. It was built by Jesus, who made it for everyone, and so wanted everyone to know that it was there. This changing room had a shower and fresh clean clothes. It also had a fireplace where you could forever burn your dirty clothes.
At the door I am filthy, and the Enemy is there to point out each of my sins and the fact that I am unworthy of being Forgiven or given another chance. The enemy's words feel right because they are true. I am such a hopeless sinner by nature, instinctively selfish, greedy to no end, and self indulgent for instant gratification. He does and will do everything to prevent my guilty conscience from walking through that door. Grace is the changing room to become clean before God.
My filthy rags of sin in exchange for the linens of perfect righteousness.
For free?
Sounds implausible, dubious, insane!
Grace itself begs the question:
"...should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace?"
-Romans 6:1
The enemy will even allow me to know grace, by definition and still use guilt against me. He'll use logic against me by making me think that grace is unbelievable or that it's for the "real children of God" and that therefore I have no right to enter into it.
He tries to get you to not enter. That is His number one goal. He uses thoughts to torment us, condemn us, and keep us in our rags. He lies. He fills our minds with lies.
The only way to counteract a lie is with the truth.
"There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
-Romans 8:1
(If you don't read the bible how will you know the truth? Someone charismatic and confident might tell you, but nothing is stronger than being certain for yourself, seeing and hearing with your own eyes and ears. That kind of personal faith is unshakeable.)
He often uses our illusion of familiarity to make us think that our rags are more comfortable than changing. Regardless He will do everything to keep us from turning that knob.
But we can always Enter. There is no key, it's like a retina scan and all you need is yourself present there. Jesus made it for everyone.
"And he died for all (I repeat: for all), that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."
-2 Corinthians 5:15
Maybe you didn't know that, maybe you thought you needed a special key and you had to somehow work your way to finding it so that you could open the door. I always thought I needed a key, or a password, and then every time I entered the password would change. That's what I thought. It was something I had to work to get into again and again. Or that there was a guest list, and I was sure my name was not on it. And so I found myself sulking with tears of regret and shame right outside what was freely my choice to enter into. All because of some lies and a lack of truth that I had not really bothered to look into.
How dare we try to make what Jesus did on the cross in vain by not entering! His death on the cross was excruciating! He, Himself asked the Father if there was any other way, but that not His own will be done but the Father's. People often think Jesus is the nice guy and God is the angry, wrathful one. But they are One, and the Father's will was for Jesus to die so that we could have a way to Him. It's the Father's heart, His benevolence, His love, that nailed Jesus to the cross. Instead of focusing on the appearance of things we should look at the grand portrait in it's fullness. He died so that we would be without sin in order that we could be with Him. God and sin cannot be together. He is set apart, Holy. He had a plan from the very beginning, when His beloved Adam ate from the tree that birthed sin in him.
God had a plan even when he knew that with the gift of free choice Adam would choose sin, God was ruthless in making sure we would still have a way to be holy again.
The bible in it's entirety reveals that one plan: Jesus.
Let grace soak in otherwise you will not believe it. Most people don't actually believe that His grace is sufficient for them. They just feel cozy with those words, but it's all head knowledge and not heart known. Not lived out. Grace is not sufficient to people, rather, more money is sufficient, relationships, food, clothing, accolades, promotions, recognition, and children are what they think is more sufficient for them.
Sufficient = enough
Do you think you have enough? Or do you want more? What do you want more? When you get more is that ever really enough?
I mean, I myself am just beginning to see the fringes of this grace, it is still so impalpable to me, but the more I seek God the more He focuses my lens of perception. The more I see the more I fall in love with God. The more I understand grace the more I let go of the sin that so easily entangles me. Because when I see that grace truly is enough it will inevitable lead to such contentment as Apostle Paul talked about. To have enough is to be content. So if we understand grace we should be content. I think that means that right now, if you don't feel content, you'd don't understand grace. It's just a word, it's "I'm fine" it's "how are you?".
I don't say that to offend people, but to be honest to myself. I don't understand grace fully, but the more I do the more clearly I see God.
"... I have learned to be satisfied with what I have and with whatever happens. I know how to live when I am poor and when I have plenty. I have learned the secret of how to live through any kind of situation—when I have enough to eat or when I am hungry, when I have everything I need or when I have nothing."
-Philippians 4:11,12
I am not content yet, but it makes a bit more sense now:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
(2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV)
So then after grace sinks in, we begin to believe it more, see how amazing it is, and we fall in love with God. The more we love God with all our hearts the more we begin choosing His ways. Walking in line with His Spirit in us. We may have the Holy Spirit in us, but are we obeying Him? How do we know?
Some helpful evidences are found in Galatians 5:22,23:
But the fruit of the Spirit is
love
joy
peace
patience
kindness
goodness
faithfulness
gentleness
and self-control.
Against such things there is no law.
Those characteristics become you when you are walking in the Spirit.
I'm sorry if that scares you if you look at that and realize that those are not words that would describe you, but instead of fear let it come as what it really is. God's mercy on you to see truth and do something about it! Stop sulking at the door of grace, and walk in. Believe that your old rags are forever burned and you stand before God in fresh and forgiven linens of perfect righteousness. It is that kindness that continually leads us to repentance.
Grace first.
Then fullness in Him.
If something in Romans 8 is difficult to understand, then seek out the meaning for yourself. Pray, ask God, ask other believers, find out until you are satisfied with the answer. But be careful lest you find yourself at the door to freedom locked out by your own lack of knowledge that there is no key required.
Grace and peace to you!
J
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