Unsteady

It's been strangely difficult the past few days.  It feels as if I rely on my thinking more than an actual existing Father who sees me and loves me.  There are still moments when I am caught up in awe of Him by some surprise of joy, but there's been a heavier sense of indignant uncertainty. 

"Why am I so depressed? Why this turmoil within me? Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, my Savior and my God." 

Psalms 43:5

Theology classes have been doing a number on my thoughts.  Psychology, sociology, philosophy, and my own personal experiences have begun to shape and chisel my theology.  It begins to scare me when certain doctrines (or standardized beliefs) that have carried me through many difficult times shift in their emphases which catch me off guard.  I feel unsteady.  Perhaps my ship is sailing and the anchor of my faith is being pulled up for a time until the next docking location.  

The theology I had coming into seminary remains the same:  If God is God then He must be God.  

If God is not God, then there is absolutely no God--which is absolutely ludicrous given all of the beautiful things in life like love in protection and baby giggles and epic misty mountains.  If there was no God there would be no one to thank for such things.  Without God to thank that leaves it to chance or ourselves or someone else, and none of these agents will ready us for what will happen after our fragile bodies die from old age, sickness, or event. 

Perhaps you might see other "options" such as Mother Nature or a "higher power" and that's fine.  But even those things will need to be defined further if they are to have the same kind of influence and power as God.  It would be to your own satisfaction (coupled with fear and ignorance) to not question what you believe further.  Most people would prefer to live life as it happens, be in the present, but later on the present will become bad, and then you'll complain or get bitter or angry at how you got to this present if you always lived "in the present."  

What I mean to say, and forgive me if I'm suddenly making this about your issues and not my own, but in trying to untangle my mess I need to think about the strings I already untangled lest I bring them back into my garble.  I mean to say that it is wise to appreciate the good and the bad in the present, but it is wiser or better or best to think about the past, present and future as you live each day.  Such a triangle way of perceiving doesn't always have to be at the forefront of your intentions, but in moments where a decision must be made it is wise to step back from just the "present" and get a wider scope of things.  Step back and include your past (because we all hopefully have learned the high chances of history repeating itself if left unobserved), your present circumstances (which ironically become more defined by the past and future), and your future (where are you headed?  This may be more or less defined, but having some sort of destination is crucial to your present decision.  The future destination could be as light and undefined as merely "happy" or as distinct and strong as "integrally built in my/a work place and family").  The stronger and more distinct your future is the more direction you will have in knowing how to get there and where you will need the most help from others, but the weaker it is the more it will be like walking to "the beautiful mountains" by yourself without any plans as to when you will start or which mountains you will walk to...just "the beautiful mountains" sounds good enough for you, until years have passed and you're still right where you are....lost.

So if you're lost, like me, right now, in the present, take a few minutes and hold my hand.  I need it just as much as you do.  Let me pray for us, and you can pray too if you want.

Let the quietness settle.  

We are approaching the splendorous throne of our Abba Father and King.

With my hands wringing in front of me I speak to God:

Hi Father, 

I come before you now as nervous and anxious as ever about the state of my mind and the unsteadiness that my life has been feeling.  The certainty and anchor of my faith in hope that I experienced now seems a memory that I am trying to relive by force rather than tuning into the possibility of new ventures that You want to take me to.  I have talked less with You and more with my own reason and logic as if those were what led me to You.  You led me to You, You pursued me in every painful moment and sudden clarity of my thoughts.  You listen to my prayers and You love me with an active and powerful love that fills me with inexplicable joy.  But now, Father, Lord, I have lost my way and I am failing to find it again on my own.  My reasoning, my thinking, all of that is hitting a wall of stagnancy.  Your ways are higher and your thoughts are not my thoughts.  So please, I pray, for myself and whoever else needs this as well, for your voice of sound judgment and wisdom to gently untangle the mess in my head.  Please give me strength to endure, patience to stay and wait, which sound like the same thing haha, but I want to emphasize that I need Your help.  I cannot go further, and I desire to, but Your will be done in my life, on my ship, and even with my anchor of faith and hope.  And Lord before I close this plea, albeit I'll come back again in the next few minutes, this plea right now, I want to explicitly close with the most ardent request that You fill me with the sureness of Your love for me.  Perhaps that is a bit like taking back my acquiescence to Your will regarding my faith and hope, but if I may be so bold as to request even the mystery of Your unrelenting love for me deeply rooted throughout every living minute until I see You face to face in glory, that would be really, really tremendously ...awesomely appreciated, which are such weak words to the one I'm trying to express, but You know my heart.  You know what that means for me.  Let it be known right now, that I am at Your will, and I've made my requests, but You are good and You are so much wiser and Sovereign so that I rest even in not knowing and not feeling.  But just one more time, I want to add, please plant an immovable seed within my mind of the mysteries and clarity of Your love in me as I speak, eat, sleep, wake, walk, study, think, sing, breathe, and live.  Be in everything I do.  Remind me that it is You, God, that grows me.  In Your Son, Jesus, name I pray, 

Amen.

"I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth."

 (1 Corinthians 3:6-7 HCSB)

Jmegrey