Who is God?
Sometimes I become so aware that the God I serve is lost in my mental drawers like a messy garage. I walk into the house, the garage door closes behind me, and I'm certain the stuff in there will still be there but I'd rather not rummage through it right now. In the same way God is somewhere in a drawer in my head, and there are so many things going on in there that I would rather walk away from the mess, shut that mental door, and place my attention on the matters right in front of me. Matters like feelings, present situations, future concerns, money, health, and all of those selfish ambitions that easily occupy the forefront of my mind--without God.
The problem with doing, thinking or feeling anything without God with me is that they become worthless. My feelings become worthless without God. My health becomes worthless without God. My present situations become worthless without God. Everything becomes meaningless, hence worthless, without God.
So how come I shut Him out when He is the life and light in each of the things that make me essentially my best self? My only self, really. Everything else is a delusion since I can perceive myself to be something apart from Him, but in absolute truth there is nothing apart from Him (John 15:5)
I guess that's something I keep struggling with. Why God? Why do I keep shutting You out when You make everything good? Everything with You has light and life. You liven my feelings, bring meaning to my past, present and future circumstances, You direct my steps, You supply life to my health, You feed me and provide all my needs, and yet I find myself closing the door of my attention on You.
Perhaps a part of it has to do with shame, as in I don't want God to see the actual crap I'm dealing with, despite the fact that He already sees it. He's not behind a closed door in the absolute sense, He's only behind a closed door in the realm of my attention. It's like kids who get scared and close their eyes, because closing your eyes means you won't see what's there. But of course just closing your eyes does nothing to remove oneself from where they are or what is there. God is there, but I mentally become afraid, ashamed, angry, and downright resistant to opening my spiritual eyes to His presence in the midst of my everything.
So a part of it is shame, but another part is skepticism. I just don't see how things will go the way they should go if God gets full control. Not because I don't trust God, but because I don't trust myself! I'm sure God would do His God-thing and all would be perfect, but if I'm added to the mixture I'll for sure botch it up. I hate the thought of free will. It's so scary, because I have known myself to screw up way too many times to think I can even cooperate with God. All will be going well, and then He will ask me to do something and I'll mess things up. I always mess up, fail, and quit. That's what I know about myself. So when it comes to bringing my crap to God, the thought of cooperating with Him is terrifying and hopeless.
Learning about God's Sovereignty was one of the most startling and awesome doctrines I had ever grasped at. To read something like Psalms 139:
"Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.
You observe my travels and my rest;
You are aware of all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You know all about it, Lord.
You have encircled me;
You have placed Your hand on me.
...even there Your hand will lead me;
Your right hand will hold on to me.
Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book
and planned before a single one of them began."
-Psalms 139:1-5, 10, 16
That washed over me like a glorious waterfall because it meant that He was really in control. It meant I was really not in control and that I really had no say in what I did or how I would cooperate with Him. It meant that I couldn't screw up, fail or even quit because I wouldn't be involved at all! Haha I mean, to me that was awesome news. I want nothing to do with this process, I just want God to hold me. That's it. I don't want to try this or sacrifice something or even be called to obey Him on my part. All I want is to be still and know that He is God.
Be still. I wonder if I can even do that, probably not, so perhaps I just want to look at Him. Is that still being still? I just want what I do to have no consequences, and for God to take care of me despite what I do. I want Him to have His way with me, so that every decision, movement, action, thought and feeling are under His Sovereignty. I want to be with Him who controls everything. I want Him to rule and to reign.
"The Lord, the God of Hosts —
He touches the earth; it melts,
and all who dwell in it mourn;
all of it rises like the Nile
and subsides like the Nile of Egypt.
He builds His upper chambers in the heavens and lays the foundation of His vault on the earth. He summons the waters of the sea
and pours them out on the face of the earth. Yahweh is His name."
-Amos 9:5-6
I want to be with Him, holding His hand, while He does His thing.
"Your presumptuous heart has deceived you,
you who live in clefts of the rock
in your home on the heights,
who say to yourself,
“Who can bring me down to the ground? ” Though you seem to soar like an eagle
and make your nest among the stars,
even from there I will bring you down.
This is the Lord’s declaration."
-Obadiah 1:3-4
I don't want to be apart from Him and His control. I want for what He says to resonate with me. I don't want to think that I have anything to do with my place, I don't want to care about my place, I just want to keep holding His hand and relying on His ways and His doing things His way without me even getting involved. I want it all to just happen while I'm with Him, not apart from Him.
My prayer is to hold His hand because God's Sovereignty saves me everyday.
Jmegrey
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