"Jamie, do you think you're worth it?"
"Excuse me?" I thought to myself.
I was taken aback by her question, more than answering in simple honesty I immediately searched for the implications of what she was wanting from me. What sort of trick psychological question was that? Was she trying to point out something or show me something without directly just saying it? Did she think I was incapable of handling the truth?! She clearly does not know me, I thought. I know way more than her about myself, so I was determined to figure out what she was trying to do. (As you might imagine this is how exhausting I make things for myself sometimes, haha) This frustrated me, and instead of just answering the question, I tried to figure things out, giving her answers like "well, that depends...do you mean my worth in Christ or my worth as a sinner?"
I wanted her to know that I knew what she was trying to do, or if not some game then I wanted to be able to let her know I knew the right answer if she'd give me more information. Bottom line: I wanted to be right.
Being wrong feels so crappy. It's invalidating and just feels plain icky--like you need help, because you're weak and you can't get it on your own. You're crippled. That's why people usually hate when others feel sorry for them and lash out in anger or indifference. They hear themselves being wrong as being crippled when clearly they are not. It's a response to show that they are okay, they are not invalid and they can take care of themselves, thank you very much. This is how I see myself usually responding to help from others, concern from others, and advice from others. In the end I hardly ever consider that what you're saying is really for me than it is for you to feel good about yourself.
And then I began to learn about the reverse perspective. There is another response to being wrong, and that is being loved. It sounds so counter intuitive, because the moment someone points out my wrong I am filled with instant defiance and distrust towards that person. Eventually I become indifferent toward them. I create a wall between that person and myself when all along I could have been creating inroads for connection and deeper love. What I mean is this: prior to feeling invalidated was a deeper feeling that I wasn't truly loved by that person, or that I wasn't truly lovable. So then naturally, a negative remark, even if it was truly tough love for my own benefit, is more like an assault on my character or personality. However, if prior to the remark I had a deep understanding that I was lovable and that people would probably want to give me love more than tear me down, then I'd give their negative remark the benefit of the doubt and view it as something hurtful but also possibly loving. It reveals what I really feel about myself and about others. Do I feel lovable, and do I think others are capable of meeting my needs to be loved? Or do I feel unlovable and that people are incapable or meeting my needs to be loved. Deep down, we all need love--"all you need is love."
However, getting to your naked soul regarding this matter of your true sense of self and sense of others is not a permanent place. It's the necessary springboard, the only springboard, from which you can begin to work with the Holy Spirit to change and transform you--to truly and deeply renew your sense of self and sense of others.
To continue my story with my counselor, in the end, as usual, my attempts fell short at the simplicity of being honesty and I finally admitted:
"I don't know what you mean."
--saying this was laced with a feeling that she had won, and I would be waiting for her to lord it over me...because at this point I no longer had it in me to fight against the hope that my desperation to change brought up.
Well lo and behold she didn't lord it over me, but only from there could we actually make any real connections in the conversation, which at its aim was for me.
So I didn't know. And she saw that as a fact not a problem. And I felt safe to talk to her further.
In The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, Haymitch reminds Katniss to "remember who the real enemy is."
As I continue this journey called "life" and stumble and soar all along the way, (definitely more stumbling than soaring, haha) I can forget who my enemy is. Is my enemy the person who hurt me with a negative remark or is my enemy the one who tries to steal my worth in Christ? The two may seem to be the same, but they're not. Your enemy is not the person who looks down on you, misunderstands you, or judges you. Why? BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES THAT eventually, and that would make everyone our potential enemy. Being hurt, judged or misunderstood by someone is more like an opportunity to connect.
IMPORTANT: we connect most deeply with those we accept most unconditionally.
God's love is unconditional and it's probably the reason we are able to be filled and satisfied by it so powerfully. We, going to Him as filthy sinners, find His love for us is there because Christ died the death we were heading towards--motivated by joy. His joy: us. Why? No reason! Just because. No conditions.
So it would make sense that when someone, a fellow broken vessel and sinner comes at us with their filthiest, we respond with love like Christ does for us, then a connection begins to form--similar to the connection we have with God! A deeply compelling and satisfying love can grow from such an opportunity! But it's scary, because it's risky--trust is risky. Both trust that things will work out and trust that God has your back if they don't. But to be sure, there is only one enemy of ours out there, and He wants to steal, kill, and destroy you.
The next time someone hurts you with their words or actions, please take a second to breathe deeply and remember who the real enemy is. Let love begin to make connections rather than walls, because walls are what divide the body of Christ, and our unity is our life source.
Remember who the real enemy is:
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
-John 10:10
"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another."
-John 13:34
As we face our relationships with one another, stumbling and doing a kind of awkward dance, wading through countless ordinary moments to get to extraordinary ones, take the time to remember that in our obedience to love one another we are on our way to have life, and have it abundantly! It's worth it because of the life we get. So remember who the real enemy is when you become vulnerable and take hold of the hope that a connection of love can be made.
You are worthy of love, and that also means others are worthy of love, and if we are all worthy of love then we are all capable of loving one another. Trust that God designed us to love one another, and that is why He commanded us to.
I feel this so much in me, because I am so bad at loving others and broken at the capacity to truly feel loved by others. And taking a deeper look at my naked soul reveals a hurtful truth that I can take to begin allowing God to enter in this process with me. Only with Him can I begin to revise the core beliefs within me about myself and about others.
Remember, who the real enemy is,
Jmegrey
No comments:
Post a Comment