I feel like a swamp monster covered in viscous muck, trying to emerge from the filth only to realize that if I emerge I will uncover how dirty I am.
Is there some place I can wash?
Does that place cost money?
Do I have money?
Surely there's a free place, even if I just jump into the ocean.
But people at the beach will stare at me with disdain.
They'll think I'm crazy, in the bad hobo way.
What if I see someone I know?
(...I slink back down in the filth convinced that staying here is probably better than leaving)
Then it occurs to me that being a swamp monster is disgusting.
So much so that it is better to be humiliated for a time of cleansing than to remain filthy.
I was overwhelmed by life decisions today. The BIG ones:
1. My Career
2. A Husband
3. Owning a House
4. Graduate School (a fear of Student loans)
5. Money
All of which I don't have at the moment, thus making me feel overwhelmed, feelings that lead to more feelings that lead to the filthy swamp. Ok so here's the bottom line: I am not perfect, and I know that having all of the above is not going to make me content, however, as a servant of God and Daughter who has the capacity to delight God, I am convinced that I need to work hard for my own good. I need to work towards doing what delights God, whether through a job, school, or in a relationship. Emphasis on "TO WORK TOWARDS" which in no way can be replaced by strong feelings or desires to "TO WORK TOWARDS". It is an action not an emotion. I can want it all day long, I can think of how to get it, how to make God happy, how to do anything, but if I don't actually take any steps (ie: attending a class, showing up to meetings, getting a temporary entry level job, going to the gym, etc) then I'll end up overwhelmed and apathetic. Emerging from the swamp is humiliating and oftentimes a tough start. (The swamp being a state of ennui) All your feelings want is to slink back and let the mud cake over everything because the more you don't move the harder it becomes. However, we all make a choice, and for me I don't want to stay in the swamp. I mean, the metaphor is a bit dramatic and an exaggeration (or maybe it isn't), but perhaps you feel the same way about your circumstances right now. You just feel overwhelmed by what other people have in life at their young age! Or you feel jaded by the routine of work. Whatever it is, I know that everyday was meant for us to rejoice! To rejoice always, and again, rejoice.
Well, since I'm not really rejoicing at the moment, I am finding my way back to thankfulness while at the same time facing the reality of my lack of discipline.
Bottom line #2: What do I do now?
...
it feels a like I don't know, but if I set feelings in a bag and fling them in the trash and watch as the garbage man takes them away, far, far away, I can focus more on reality. I'm sure I'll grow new feelings right away, in fact, I'm feeling them again already, so I'll learn to utilize them when necessary and ignore them when I have to. It's a gory battle, spirit and flesh, and all the more reason for why I need God who is all-powerful to help me with that powerfulness because I'm pretty weak.
Bottom line #3: Does it make sense to have 3 bottom lines? No.
God knows that I am desperate and that I recognize my intense need of His help. He knows I get easily distracted and caught up in comparing my life with others. He knows I fear failing, dying, disappointing, or just getting it wrong. He sees the struggle in my mind, and every thought that is a lie in me. He knows how it frustrates me when I can't seem to hear Him say what I want Him to say, and He probably thinks that's funny. It is funny, but only in retrospect. In the moment it's not funny, it's just heavy like raining mud clumps and wind that blows in every direction at once. He knows how I feel, and how pitiful feelings are blinders to hope. He knows all of this because He's God, and God knows everything, He sees everything.
This isn't the first time I've FELT: (note: these are fickle feelings)
so inadequate
so confused
so hopeless
so ungifted
so weak
so lazy
so unambitious
so unimaginative
so worthless
so dumb
so disappointing
so unlovable
so incompetent
so beastly
~Looking at all the above feelings I see a trend. I see one word that sums it all up:
Self-condemnation
Romans 8:1- "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (ESV)
So I know those are lies, but something else I realize is that I have taken myself out of being in Christ Jesus. Why would I do that? Or how does that happen?
It's very simple, but hard to swallow.
I did it because I felt like it, and it happened because I did what I felt like doing.
So it's a matter of stepping back into Christ, doing what is right rather than what I feel like.
Yuck, that doesn't sound fun or easy at all. In fact it sounds difficult and very tedious and probably extremely uncomfortable (which is why I frequently find myself outside of Christ)....just like the swamp monster who thought of what could and probably would happen if it emerged out and into the public. In the same way, I recognize that I need to do this even if it's hard for me. I need to be diligent and be okay with meager beginnings and practice consistency even when (or especially when) I don't feel like it. And all the more I am struck by that deep and wide revelation of how I need Jesus to help me through it all.
On closer examination, I am really hurting, and I need healing.
"if my people (like me), who are called by my name, will humble themselves (be ok with being seen as swampy) and pray and seek my face (diligently) and turn from their wicked ways (by killing those fickle feelings that are lies rather than God's words), then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land (our hearts)." -2 Chronicles 7:14
He will heal my hurting, but there is a condition.
It says "IF":
If I humble myself
if I pray
if I seek His face
if I turn from my wicked ways
then God will hear me, He will forgive me and He will heal me.
Easier said than done, right? Especially the last one, "turn from my wicked ways".
But thankfully God isn't saying to do all of those on our own either. When we do the first step and humble ourselves we can take a knee. When we take a knee to pray that's where we talk to God and bring our requests to Him, meaning we can also request His help in getting to the third and fourth step. We literally ask Him to help us seek Him and to turn from our habitual and instinctive wicked ways. If He helps us then we can do all things, again, since that is the definition of God as All-Powerful. There is nothing He cannot overcome, not even our incompetence. He uses the weak to display His strength. It's all a matter of taking action and emerging to face humility. Then to pray.
Then we seek Him, despite our circumstances or where we are at in life. Seeking Him means doing whatever we have to in order to see and know Him more. Obeying Him, and being consistent. He says to be a good steward of your money, to give to the poor, to consider others better than yourself, to love one another, and to work as if working for the Lord in anything you do.
The healing happens therein the obedience. But obedience is intentional not emotional. We can only proceed to emerge from the swamp if we are ready to humble ourselves. Once we do that we can pray and enlist His help to carry on in seeking Him. We search for Him in the Word and practice obedience, and then when we feel like it's too hard, we have to remember the goal is healing. We have to remember where we emerged from, and how in just a little while longer our intentional obedience will lead to turning from our old ways (that led to the swamp), and He promises that if we do so, He will hear us, forgive us, and heal us.
I may be getting redundant here, but it's a good reminder to continually refresh in my mind.
Keep your eyes on Jesus when you step out onto the water, if you fall His grace will catch you, but press on and get up. Remember the goal, and cast aside those feelings!
Oh and don't forget to pray and ask God for His help right now and continuously, because we cannot do this on our own. We all need Jesus.
-J
No comments:
Post a Comment