Online dating

Online dating reveals a lot about the state of most men in their 20s and 30s who are still single.  (Of course the opposite is true for women, but we won't get into that right now).  There are several different factors to consider when speculating a man who has resigned himself to a profile and a few (often) outdated or poorly angled photos (or both).  Obviously I have ventured into the realm of online dating, admittedly, but taboos aside, I'd like to expand on some of the discoveries I've made from this blog's perspective.  First off, I have only dabbled in the free online sites, and while I knew what I was getting into, I didn't know that I had slightly set some preconceived notions about the kind of men I would be encountering.  Needless to say, most of my expectations were fairly low, and highly motivated by boredom and my insatiable desire to be admired.  Now, there were some perks to the parameters of being a mere "profile", and that was the freedom to soften or deepen the wrinkles of my personality.  Let's not even get into the kind of person who would lie about themselves, since that in itself is futile if one desires anything substantial to come from online dating.  So, I created a profile.  I tried not to blast the whole "God" thing and kept it vaguely mysterious.  I will admit, I relied most on my more "attractive" photos to catalyze the messages I received rather than the words I used to describe myself since I myself found myself looking first then reading, hopefully the photos I chose were not too deceptive of me, but regardless I got enough introductions that led to interesting conversations as well as eventually to the deletion of my profile after one week.  I noticed a few things namely that most of the guys on the site were actually still very much human as the rest of the tangible world.  I kept imagining the dungeons and dragons gamer or the lazy couch potato, or a man-whore looking for some easy local booty, but most of the guys I came across seemed pretty normal, and only slightly awkward.  Well, that's a lie, there are more gaming/lazy/man-whores than there are not, but it's fairly easy to tell.  Anyway, we're all pretty awkward as far as first encounters go, so I tried not to judge too harshly, and in fact, I made an effort to be even more awkward in reply so as to invite a more welcoming atmosphere to be ok with being weird.  I am pretty weird after all, I shouldn't try to hide that since it's quite obvious in person.

Now, that I'm done blabbing about the initial process, let me begin with the connections I made.  I was able to have a few conversations that actually led to a very gradual welcome into the subject of God.  Most of the conversations I had began with the fluffy stuff, which I suppose is always going to be inevitable, but I've learned to be more patient regarding small talk.  First off I made it so that I preferred to be matched with another male who's profile displayed "Christianity" as their religion, this was to at least be somewhat intentional.  So I got connected to some decent christian men, who I later discovered were less than eager to share the details of their faith.  I got a consistent impression that most of the christian men were ready to completely discard that part of their profile quite easily for the right potential, there's an option to put that you're not that serious about being Christian which a lot of people chose to include  (what does that even mean??  Are they afraid people will think they are bible thumpers or the like?  That's so sad).  This was expected, but it was still disappointing.  However, my boredom and vanity kept me trudging through, and I ended up have a few decent conversations with men who found me and had listed "Agnosticism" as their view of religion.  It was very surprising when I also found out that many of these agnostic men had once been more or less Christian at some point in their lives (think church goer, mission trips, and retreats).  Initially, most of the back and forth chatting was about work, educational background, and how unsuccessful online dating had been for them due to the lack of responsiveness or distance.  I won't even get into the fact that most of the guys on there who messaged me considered Asian women to be the holy grail of potential mates, and I did my best to weed out the ones that were possibly overly infected with Asian fever.  But eventually I was able to plow through some fluff and incite them to ask me more about myself, which made it much easier to bring up the matters closest to my heart like God and the importance of knowing Him to be real or not.  Surprisingly I discovered that there were still traces of a desire to know and question who God was more than there were in the actual "christian" men I talked with.  This is a very general postulation, but I got the gnawing feeling that the "christian" men on the site identified with God less than the non christians.  It was strange, but for some reason when I got anywhere close to talking about God it was the non christian men who showed more of a genuine appeal, whereas the christian men sort of approached the subject almost a bit ashamed, always trying to dilute their faith.  Perhaps they were afraid that women would be turned off or not attracted, but still they had it listed on their profile very passively.  So I had more to talk about with the non christians when it came to the subject of God.

Somehow, somewhere along the way, between the ages of 20-30, these agnostic men had found it difficult to maintain their beliefs.  Though from the information I gathered it appeared like they no longer found being Christian useful to their lifestyles, yet when we spoke more I could easily sense their brokenness and longing for real love.  I mean, that is at the core of everyone's desire, to know and have love, yet for these men it was no longer sufficient to pursue that love from an invisible God.  Can you blame them?  I certainly don't, but I do question their efforts for being intentional about actually giving God a chance, and maybe they didn't because they were just born and raised into it.  Being intentional is crucial to every person's progression toward truth, and in my opinion, toward cultivating a genuine relationship with an invisible God.  Perhaps like so many others they just lapsed into apathy after a good long run with legalistic lifestyles, when cause no longer produced the desired effect (mission trips or going to church did not bring them happiness) they just gave up, having never really experienced the transforming encounter of God's grace.  I mean, their decisions could have been the result of a plethora of different circumstances and feelings, but the most intriguing discovery I made was that when they were slightly guided into the topic of God through a raw honest perspective, meaning with a tone of speculation and confusion, they almost always seemed to get strangely more interested.  It was as if I were showing them real doors that led to the real God, rather than ideals that led them to hopelessness.  It was nice, and made for good conversation.

This led me to think that perhaps many of the men who grow up christian often fall away from the faith because they never meet God intimately for themselves, whereas the men who merely wear the label Christian continue to do so with even more apathy about God than the latter.  Obviously I am making some pretty broad speculations that could and probably are wrong for a lot of the guys I came across, but it was unique to have deeper conversations about faith with the non christians than the christians.

For both cases it seems they were never activated by the Holy Spirit, and therefore when their efforts at being "good" ceased to produce the desired result, they turned to what appealed to their more realistic sense of the world, calling it reason, science, logic, etc.  I got a little excited when I realized that they still questioned the existence of God, because questioning is better than settling to just ignore something that you're not really sure of.  Most people want to remain in a form of equilibrium of comfort, whether or not that sacrifices a degree of certainty within themselves, or perhaps they just don't want to do what it would take to know the truth because they sense that the truth will not be easy to listen to, again it's all about having what's easier I suppose.  It is alarmingly easy to allow yourself to be ok with not being ok so long as there are temporary gratifications to help you not think too much.

 It was interesting that online dating became an avenue for being able to talk about God.  However, at the end of it all I was exhausted, and my brain hurt (you can just imagine the kind of questions people will ask who expect to have the definition of God handed to them on a platter).  I closed my profile down.  I don't think online dating is bad, because I know several people who have met their spouses through it, and maybe I'll give it another go later on, but right now I don't find it very sufficient.  To me, it lacks a tinge of bravery and intentionality that I highly value in a man who is firmly established in his identity in Christ.  I suppose this also speaks volumes of my personal state of mind, since I dabbled in it I have to use the same measure on myself as I do on others.  I am ploughing through each day with just a little more bravery and a little more intention than before.

J