That's not a question, but a thought. A recurring thought that often nags and gnaws at my heart when I am at the precipice of surrender or shamefully sitting in the sinking ship of my sins.
Thoughts like, "is God really there?"
What is going on right now, and how come it feels as though God is not there? How come the vague notion that He does not exist begin to pop up in my head like a cockroach's antennas under a bathroom counter. It's a grotesque accusation against what my heart wholeheartedly believes. Yet it pops up when I am about to surrender to love--when I am about to walk through suffering and brokenness of heart prompted by faith, hope and love. But it also pops up after I've already sinned, the deed has been done, repeated, finished, and I had let self-control go. Then I think..."I'm hopeless." And the situation looks bad, my circumstances look pitiful, and my transformation seems impossible. All I see is nasty grossness.
I've killed so many thick and nasty black spiders in my room this past week. The sight of them is so offensive and disgusting because I can't help but feel that I deserve them when I see them. They find their way to me as if the nasty black sin of mine is luring them in. I hate them. I hate finding them and I also hate killing them because it's gross and messy, and their guts spill out and I can never be sure that their friends or eggs are not lying around nearby in a hidden part of my room.
When things look and feel bad, then I feel wrong. I feel like a big failure. I feel hopeless and inadequate. I begin to see the days ahead of me and it looks very difficult. Worry, mingled with fear and doubt, set in and toss my mind about. I can't do this. What the heck am I doing? I won't be able to be the person I want to be. I'll eventually fail just like I always do. What I see defines everything all of a sudden. The days ahead of me look dismal and that's when I weakly look at God with tears in my eyes, stinging and dropping down my cheeks as I ask God if this is all true. If He is all true. "Are You really there?" Am I really clean when what I see is dirty?
So what if I'm all wrong about God?
What if this is all actually false?
What if me thinking God is real is wrong, and that means I'm not actually forgiven or free from my sins.
What if my life is this bad and dirty?
If I am wrong....then I'm the biggest idiot for not chasing after all the pleasures of this world as a means to more in my life. (1 Cor. 15:20, If we have put our hope in Christ for this life only, we should be pitied more than anyone.)
Humans are all made up of hopes and desires that bring about our decisions. Decisions are handled by desires, and desires are handled by hopes. So look at your decision and see your desire. Look at your desire and see your hope. This is scary when you see sin, and this is beautiful when you see God.
So then, on the one hand my sins show me how my desire is for the world, while my decision to have hope in the gospel is my desire to have God. It's strange to want the world and to want God, but what is that? That is me saying that if I am wrong then I wouldn't know it unless something or someone were able to uproot one of the desires, either for the world or for God, in me. What if one desire is slowly diminishing?
I do desire the world, and I hate that, but clearly I also like the world because I desire it. However, the miraculous thing is the desire in me for God, and how I so hungrily desire to know and be close to God. Where did that come from? I understand my desire for the world, because I see how things are, but My desire for God is a complete grace. Whether I have too much and find it all meaningless or if I am utterly incapable of having what I want and so turn to God to soothe me, both cases point to God as the desire that can fully satisfy me. It's strange and amazing, but I desire God regardless of my disposition of much or little, pain or comfort, calm or confused. I desire God more than I desire the world.
So then I see that two desires are within me:
one for the world and one for God.
But sometimes I take my eyes off of God and I forget how much more I have in Him, especially when my eyes have narrowed in on myself and my sins.
"Much-Afraid trembled and looked at him shamefacedly. “I don’t think— I want— hinds’ feet, if it means I have to go on a path like that,” she said slowly and painfully.
The Shepherd was a very surprising person. Instead of looking either disappointed or disapproving, he actually laughed again. “Oh, yes you do,” he said cheerfully. “I know you better than you know yourself, Much- Afraid. You want it very much indeed, and I promise you these hinds’ feet."
-Hinds Feet on High Places, by Hannah H.
God reminds me that doubt, worry, fear and anxiety--even my present struggle with sins--are not an indication for who I am. They are a reminder for who He is.
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.
Is not life more than food,
and the body more than clothing?"
-Matthew 6:25
Is not life more than this? More than me.
He is more, He is most, and He is the only One who can be what I am looking for.
Is not my body more than how hard I'm trying to tame it? Self control is only as good as what it will be rewarded. If I merely practice self-control for the sake of discipline that would be stupid and futile like a person who buys a bunch of yoga videos but never watches them to reap the benefits. I don't want to be disciplined unless there is a reward for it in the end. I don't want to do anything hard unless I have to in order for something more.
For life.
For a more life.
My focus and attention starts filling up with the fixing process that I lose sight of the goal at the end: more life.
Is not life more than food?
Is not life more than money?
Is not life more than a temporary buzz or high?
Is not life more than one good thing?
Is not the body more than for clothes?
Is not the body more than just to stare at?
Is not the body for more than just one thing?
What is more?
I find that what I really want is something more than what I have. I want something more than what I'm doing. I want my life to be more like a life worth living. And I want my body to be more for me than what it currently is. I want my body to be for my more awesome life, not a separate entity that has one purpose like clothes to look good or strength to take me to places, but I want it to be a body for more, for hugging the ones I love, for worshipping God through a posture of surrender to His acceptance of me, for flying, for helping my grander thoughts pour into action, for more than just one thing. I want my life and body to be for everything more than just this one or even two things. I want more.
And God totally gets me on this!
"Is not life more than food,
and the body more than clothing?"
-Matthew 6:25b
It is! It definitely has to be more than this. Otherwise what the heck man. This life has to be more, it has to be epic and great! This body of mine has to be more, it has to be an eternal flying machine! A powerhouse of hugs and laughter, beauty and strength, clothed in righteousness. This life is more. This body is more.
God has more and in this passage He is reminding us that He knows we want more. This isn't just some disciplined duty we are given, but this is about the MORE we desire.
In other words, snap out of it.
You think what you want is that great? Nope. There's more. Look at Jesus.
You think what you can do is it? Nope.
There's more. Look at Jesus.
You think having money, clothes, or food is great? Nope. There's more! Look at Jesus.
You think you have figured it all out? Nope.
There's more. Look at Jesus.
You think you know what you want? Nope. There's more. Look at Jesus.
You think there's no hope for you? Nope.
There's plenty more. Look at Jesus.
You think you're out of strength to continue? Nope. There's more. Look at Jesus.
You think you don't have enough? RIGHT! haha there's MORE. Look at Jesus.
I know you want more. You want life to be more than what it is and so you strive to have this or that, but God knows we want more because there is more. There is eternity more.
So you know you want more, but who will you look to for that more? Yourself and your finite bodily desires or God and His infinite pleasures unending. Remember that there are always two realities within you: the body and eternity.
But one has more life than the other.
What if I'm wrong about God? What if there isn't more than this life? Well, if that's the case then what the hell, I should just do what I want and chase after all the pleasures this world has to offer! Many will do that. Chase and chase after short lived pleasures one after the other until they die. But some of us folk will stop to look at Jesus and the hope of eternal glory, and this glimpse will change how we live in this life.
That is why I believe in Jesus. Because He is more than anything else I know. He is more beautiful, more powerful, more lasting, more epic, more passionate, more loving, more forgiving, more intelligent, more kind, more comforting, more exciting, and more infinitely the life in whom I find myself in. I am more when I am in Him.
So while the spiders creep--the desire for more of Christ is still in me. I smash those spiders and I'll keep smashing them because I know that one day I won't need to smash any spiders because I'll be able to live where they cannot come.
Right now I see the bad and I see the good.
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.
Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? (Matthew 6:25 ESV)
Is it not?
Or is it?
God is asking me tonight, is not life more than what you're worried about dear Jamie? Is not your body more than what you look like in style? Or is it not more than those things?
It is more, Father. It is more. It is so much more.
I forget so easily that You have promised me more because what I see becomes everything to me.
Help me see You more.
Jmegrey
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