Scratch that. How do you say what you are really thinking to someone without hurting them, regardless of if they are a good friend or a complete stranger?
I mean, when what you want to say is how you truly feel or what you really think, but you know it will hurt them because it disagrees with their feelings and thoughts.
That's me. I digress.
[digress: v. - to put off (action, consideration, etc)]
Being open and honest with people is the doorknob twisting open to my heart. When you go about entering a real relationship, things get exposed that you, on your own, would not choose to reveal.
I scored above average on an intensive personality test for being someone who was highly deferential. Meaning I defer to the situation most likely as a means of protection, comfort, fear, and/or indifference...and probably confusion. I can say it how it is on here because there's no risk involved. Haha. That's probably what I love about writing/blogging...no risks, at least none that I can't premeditate about.
We all need protection, whether we get that from money, relationships, comfort, food or admiration. We are all essentially protecting our identity. Who we are is most exposed by who others show us we are. Our parents showed us what a bad or wrong thing was by punishing us when we did something bad or wrong, while they showed us who a good or right person was by rewarding us when we did something good or right.
Depending on how bad or rewarding our experiences were also factors into how strong our self perceptions of truly "good" or "bad" grew to be. Some people are so convinced that keeping the peace is much better than voicing opinions because they might have been exposed to fighting or no fighting at all. Or other might be so convinced that being successful is the way to being "good" because their parents were successful and loved or because their parents were unsuccessful and mocked. Regardless of each person's' circumstance it's easy to blame this or that for why we think a certain way, but logically speaking we cannot pinpoint our reasons for why we are the way we are on vague notions...specificity is crucial to understanding.
But such powerful understanding can only come from God.
One of the hardest things about specificity is the overwhelming truth deep down in us, once we set out to be specific, that we are staring into a gaping black hole. There are a million thoughts, possibilities, explanations, excuses and so forth for every micro thought that we try to uncover in order to get to its specific root. The task is haunting and daunting. Haha.
I recently moved to a new place and everything had to be packed and brought over within 3 days, so it was a mess of boxes with mixed items everywhere piled high like a jenga game left halfway done. The garage was stuffed with everything from cleaning sprays to gift wrapping materials, clothes, drawers, books, pans, and everything else you might find in a house that usually never gets touched. In other words I would take one look at the whole thing and cringe and I just didn't want to think about it, especially when the new place seemed already full and too small to add all the other stuff. I hated it. I hated thinking where to start, because it was so overwhelming. It was much easier to shut the door and pretend like I didn't have to clean and sort it out, because that would take forever and most of the stuff in there were things I found useless or old. But if it didn't get done I knew I'd have a shitload of crap just lying around in my garage, some of which I would need at some point (like the gift wrap during Christmas, or the pans if I ever wanted to make scrambled eggs), but the feeling of getting it done irked me so much. It was work. I just wanted everything to be done, clean, sorted, and ready for me to be happy about....but as long as the garage remained untouched so did my freedom to find what I needed--including the space to park the car.
In the end my mom did most of the sorting and cleaning, while I watched in amazement and relief at her ability to get things done in such a way that I just could not on my own.
That is what it's like to get specific about what's in our hearts. Except what we can't do on our own is where the Holy Spirit comes and leads the way. We sometimes open our eyes to see what's really there and it scares the crap out of us, overwhelms us, and we most likely find ourselves deferring to a place, any place other than that one. The problem is the fact that the place we run from is the place we live at: our hearts.
For as long as my garage remained in piles of stuff, that was how long I would be unable to get or use what I had. Or if I did need something or use something it would be that much more difficult to get to as opposed to if everything were nearly sorted. In the long run I'd waste more time searching and getting frustrated to find the things that I needed at a particular moment than I would if I spent a few days sorting it all out.
But so many of us live our lives in such a way where we get frustrated and hopeless about finding the answers to what we need in the mess that our hearts are in. We let the moment define everything rather than stepping back into the bigger picture of the fact that our entire heart is a mess. And maybe we don't need to know why we are lonely at a particular moment when we are not feeling lonely, but whatever is causing our loneliness will eventually leak out and we will go running to the mess to find what we need, and if we don't find it we spiral into the mess. But if we aren't feeling lonely, then why go through the work of sorting our heart out for what we might need to know when loneliness hits if we don't need to know that now? We prefer to deal with things only when they become urgent, because if they're not urgent then they're just too much work.
Like me and my garage, we shut the door and cringe at what we know is there, but vaguely.
Getting specific is daunting.
A vague understanding is knowing what's there, namely a mess.
A specific understanding is knowing where everything is when we need it in a timely manner.
You might call the difference wisdom.
Or you might call it productivity.
You could call it the peaceable factor.
And it's also a difference in efficiency.
And can I just make a bold interjection here to say that some Christians think that saying "God will take care of it" is all we have to do to go back to our shut doors as we sort of hope and pray that the next time we open it we will be standing in a magically organized room with access to everything despite having no hand in getting it done. Do you know why that never works? Because the next time something stressful or bad happens our mindset will continue to be "run and hide!" God wants us to grow in courage and wisdom that will last forever, so He works with us even if the majority of that time means we literally stand in the room of our hearts as He does most of the work with our watchful eyes and attention. Eventually He might ask us to give a hand in something very simple, but mostly He just wants us present in the mess as He does the sorting. Because by being there in our mess, we see exactly how He does things, where things go, why He sorts our mess a certain way, and though this take a long time (until we die in fact) the longer we see Him work the less afraid we become. The less afraid we become the more useful to Him we can be participating now that we are not so frozen in fear.
I am gonna come up with a little poem about it:
I open my heart and it's a mess,
I shut the door because it's stress.
Too much dirt and nothing can be found,
By ignoring it all I'm safe and sound.
But something happens and I need relief,
I resist going in my heart and feign belief.
Hoping and praying that it'll just get better,
And when it does not I just get bitter.
The pain increases and life starts to dull,
Anger, frustrations, worries and all.
The heart I had shut has accumulated more,
Now ever more daunting to open the door.
I blame God for not doing the work in there,
Yet if He got it all done I would never be aware.
He wants me to see Him work in my mess,
To show me He is there to take away the stress.
Because when things happen, which they always do,
Getting it done with Him, makes it a job for two.
So to bring it back around to my first thought about how to say what you want or need to say (because it's the truth to what you think or feel--aka: being present and open) to someone you are afraid it will hurt because it disagrees with them or you know they will respond a certain way that will bring more pain....I guess the only way is to do it with the Holy Spirit. We have to be Honest with each other, trusting that our mess ups will be handled by the Holy Spirit as we surrender to His way or working all things in our hearts out. We are present, we are honest, and the more of a mess we see and sit in it with Him the less afraid we become as we finally begin to see that Almighty God is in the room, and He's been wearing the cleaning apron right before us!
We can speak the truth in love and make a mess only because God is with us to clean up when things get bad. But we have to be present to see it. We have to be in the mess, experiencing it even if all we can do is nothing but watch as God becomes more our Real God after the mess has been made. In that way, we can do all things through Christ who gives us this courage and reassurance.
In terms of relationships and becoming intimate with others, it's scary. It's the worst garage of messes coming together! We find that going into deep relationships is opening our hearts. That's why most of us avoid deep and vulnerable real relationships.
One foul heart (yours) was scary but two is disastrous! The mess will be worse than our own alone. So naturally it seems better to shut relationships out and go it alone. But the mess is not the problem. Our belief that God is with us is the actual problem. If looking at Jesus is all it takes, then look at Jesus, He stands in the midst of our messiest mess: the heart.
(Side note: you'll know you're looking at Him because you'll literally be staring at your mess and at first it just looks empty because the mess is overwhelming in your eyes, until you find Him wearing a cleaning apron somewhere there. You will see Him there, in that kind of humble outfit doing some dusting or moving out some boxes, and it'll amaze you as you just stare. Perhaps you'll give Him a hand at some point, something really weak like handing Him a cloth for Him to wipe down the grease, but mostly He just wants you there because He loves you.)
Jmegrey
No comments:
Post a Comment