Heavy, heavy Uncertainty

Nothing. Ex nihilo.

"Out of nothing" 

Once again I have nothing.  No words that satisfy....I have words but none that satisfy.  So I have something, but what is having "something" if it does not satisfy...nothing.  Nothing is worthless and meaningless and empty.  Does having "something" then mean simply a substance that can merely exist without any meaning?  If so then something sounds worse than nothing!  Something sounds terrible because at least nothing is empty by nature, but something that exists yet does not satisfy, that's just useless and pitiful...foul and hellish. 

God am I doing something useless? 

But if You're sovereign and You make all things work for good then even my useless "somethings" are Your meaningful satisfactions...right?  What satisfies You will satisfy me the more I get involved in this relationship. 

Yet I doubt without more information.  I doubt by the uselessness that I see.  I doubt by my weaknesses.  I doubt when I have nothing and then something, but none of it satisfies.

Where is the satisfaction. 

Heaven?

Jesus?

Talk to me Father! 

Why is it so hard?

Why am I so far from what I know is true and life?  Why can't You zap my heart and make it new.  My corruption is before me everyday.  I cannot bear it in me Father! 

Weak and exhausted.  I become sleepy, because unconsciousness offers a nothing or a temporarily satisfying something.  

Heavy, heavy are the first words to match my feelings. 

I cannot think the thoughts.

Heavy, heavy.

I want to forget. 

Uncertainty and inadequacy seep into me making my space dirty and polluted. 

God You saw me before I went to You. 

You had my feet head in Your direction.

You saw me where I was most lost in the nothing and most discontent in the "something". 

You saw me there when I did not see You.

God You took the direction of my feet from the day I was born and have been leading me on every path to get closer to You.  Conscious of where I end up, You lead me to each new and old place.  

I am good enough because of Your Son...even when I don't feel that way. 

When life is a blur and my hope is marred, You place my feet where they will lead me to You.  

God You see the direction before me and bring me closer to You through the turns. 

I'm standing in a pause, searching for You as if I could see You, but I do not.  Yet, You see me.  

I'm most myself when I'm brought to the place of uncertainty.  That is where I find faith, hope, and love.   

I'm on the edge of terror, and when I'm uncertain I am both most alive in Him and most aware of hell.  

Father,

Hallowed, honored be Your name.

Your kingdom come, Your will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give US this day, OUR daily bread,

And forgive us OUR debts, as we forgive OUR debtors.

Lead US not into temptation, but deliver US from evil, for Yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory and honor forever and ever. 

Amen. 

Headache from the terror,

Passion from the Savior.

Jmegrey