Sometimes I hate to think, but I do it.

I can't think or I don't want to think or I have no energy to think or I find it annoying to think.  

But I must think for that is all I have...to move on.  He won't let me give up. 

"What the heck" and a feeling of deep sorrow are my only two companions tonight.  For my sin, for my hurt, for my heart--a mixture of self-loathing and confusion and being hurt by others.  Being hurt by God. 

I'm floating away on a piece of driftwood into seemingly placid waters.  I see the fog of apathy creeping up on me, telling me that it will numb the hole in my soul.  Filling the brokenness with vapid thick air.  Cooing me to come and sit down in the nothingness of it all where nothing matters.  No point will mean no pain.  But no point will mean no plan, and no plan will mean no person.  I am called into the lie of being destroyed.  I cannot drift into that.  So I paddle back, away from the siren's song, with steady movements I fight the urge to forget the pain.  If the pain will mean a plan then it means I'm a person.  I matter.  When people stop having a point they lose their identity, people without a plan mean they don't really exist.  They're merely shells waiting to expire.  But I have a soul in me, I feel the plan like an ember, true as the pain.  

How many times have I asked:

"Where are You God?"  

The pain means I'm a person and there's a plan.  Without the pain there would be no love.

How was it in paradise?  Did Adam and Eve know love from having been dust and brought to life all of sudden by God's breath?  Were they aware of who or what they were before God breathed life into them?  Did they wonder ....who God was?  

How did they know Jesus?  Was Jesus the Word spoken to them by the Spirit telling them who God was?  The way He does for us now....?  How did they know God? 

They were human.  They probably didn't know much.  They were naked and unashamed. That's more human than what we know now...and Jesus came and He was unashamed, albeit clothed because of the world.  Maybe knowing right from wrong was not such an important part about being human, maybe it was walking with God and being loved by Him that made humans really human.  Completely naked with God, secure and sinless.  

Jesus restored what was broken by the fall of mankind.  He gave us that freedom again...to be sinless and naked before God, beloved again.  He gave us our humanity back.  

I did it.

The ugly truth about me.

Next to the beautiful truth about Jesus. 

The two intertwine like vines and branches.  

I am the recipient at all times because of who I am in Christ. 

I didn't do it. 

The ugly truth about me.

The beautiful truth about Jesus. 

The two truths open my eyes to unfathomable grace in new unfathomable ways! Haha 

I'll praise Him. 

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, 

and why are you in turmoil within me? 

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, 

my salvation."

-Psalm 42:5

Whether in much or in need I will praise Him.  In all circumstances, postures, and in every moment I am always a recipient of His love and shown amazing grace.  

You are always with me. 

Thank You Jesus for what You've given me.

 Spirit lead me out of my grievous ways into Your ways which are higher than my own.  Help me walk in the humility of knowing myself for who I am in order to walk in the glory of who God is!  

Father, speak.  

Hold me. 

Remind me.

Put me to sleep.

Sing Your song over me. 

Show me Your glory.

Bring me back from the drift.

Rescue me.

Renew my strength.

Refill my heart with Your Word.

Restore unto me the joy of my salvation.

Let me not live another second without You closer and closer. 

If tomorrow I go blind I would cry.

If tomorrow my life be found to be on edge I would cry.

If tomorrow I lost a loved one I would cry.

If tomorrow the world hated me I would cry. 

If tomorrow my friend left me I would cry.

If tomorrow I lost something good I would cry. 

The future holds much to bring me pain. 

But pain reminds me that there is a plan because we are having our humanity placed back on us by blood of another person.  

Pain is necessary for us to know truth.  

Knowing right from wrong is pain, 

but Christ is truth.  

We live with both, 

Jmegrey