I thought, and thought, and had to keep asking different questions for the answer to whatever it was that didn't quite make sense.
Why was Jesus's dying so special? The thing that was really bothering me was the fact that sometimes when I thought about Jesus and "His sacrifice" I didn't get that overwhelming sense of WOW, knees drop, tears flow, and I am amazed. I mean, sometimes I do, but not always, and I understand now that all the times it did hit me was a grace from God because I had never actually taken the time to consider why the death of Jesus was so different than the death of martyrs.
I asked "what was so special about Jesus's death?"
Here is what I realized that made it all ...so WEIRD!!
1. Jesus was the only one who could even make the sacrifice of dying to take away sin because, unlike man, He was also God; sinless. A sinner cannot pay the debt of sin since they are in debt themselves, only One who does not have debt can pay off a debt. The debt was sin. Man separated himself from God the day he partook in direct disobedience by eating the apple of the forbidden tree. Mankind was made sinner through one man. Mankind was redeemed through one man as well. So first off, Jesus was different than his disciples dying or missionaries today giving their lives, because Jesus was also God and therefore sinless.
Again, and more...
I thought "why was Jesus's death so special compared to the same kind of deaths his disciples experienced", I wondered was the death that Jesus died (a great suffering indeed, strong enough for anyone to feel indebted) the main reason why I should be grateful and amazed? I was certainly grateful, but it was somehow less understood than I wanted, and I was certainly amazed that Jesus who lived 2000 some years prior to my existence died for me, wretched sinner that I am. However, the death itself was less glorified at times, and that made me wonder for the first time, why that was? And I had to ask questions as any investigator does, and I had to start somewhere. The first thing that came to mind was "how come the sacrifice in giving up His life was so viewed as awesome, when all His disciples gave their lives as well (and how we are called to give ours)? Possible theories included the idea that He was maybe the first one to make that kind of a sacrifice? This his example led the way. But even that, true as it is, was not enough understanding, I wanted to know more. So I had to ask, who was Jesus that He was "special" and it was like a Simpson moment where I was smacked by the Holy Spirit's hand "Doh!" Jesus was not just a man nor was He just God. He was God BEFORE he was a man.
That's so weird.
That is so weird.
You know what made it all the more weird?! While I was watching the movie (which I know is not entirely accurate, but the main message is given) I was pointedly convicted by the fact that this entire time there were two groups in the movie: The Jews, who handed Jesus over to Be killed, but more distinctly the Romans, otherwise known as "Gentiles" (which also includes myself) that were Doing the actual infliction of suffering and murder. This made a difference for me because of two things.
Before I write the two things I want to point out a thought that occurred, but that could be useless or even wrong, but nonetheless still led me to a closer revelation of the magnitude of Jesus's death. The thought was that when I considered the deaths of the disciples I invariably had to remember that the disciples indeed had sin in them. This meant that each one of them, and every missionary today that gets killed for the gospel, honorable as their deaths were and are, are not killed without having sin in them (of which Christ paid for). More specifically, let's say for example Peter was being ridiculed and whipped by a Roman guard before being crucified upside down for the gospel. It's very possible that Peter was not so much loving his persecutor as He was relying on God to help him persevere during his sufferings and/or even give him justice (or even more specifically wanting his persecutor to be punished or having any sort of non-perfect/ unloving thoughts toward his persecutors or the Romans/Gentiles in general). I point this out because it made a huge difference for me. Just thinking (and watching on the movie) about the part where Jesus was being spit at, ridiculed, falsely accused, misjudged, and belittled and mocked, just that in itself...made me think about times when I've been wrongly accused. I've never been spit at (which I think is intensely more humiliating, condescending and the physical culmination of all the other things), but I have definitely been misjudged and wrongly accused, and that was enough to make my insides burn until it felt like I had incinerated my very beating heart, being that I'm introverted and self righteous so I am very good at not showing my attitude of negativity. I recalled this one time when my dad had found a crack in the wall of the kitchen above the counter where there was a telephone. He saw it and immediately he asked me if I had done it, but his expression, the fact that he asked me first, and his tone thickly felt implicative that he wasn't really asking me, he was wanting a confession. I was so angry, so hurt, and at the time did not feel very much love towards him because I did not do it (granted looking back I was probably overreacting--a natural part of being a teenager) however, the point is that to have love for someone, genuine love, a love that persists even DURING a moment like that...that is crazy. And that's what Jesus did. He proved it by going all the way and finishing His death on the cross, even as they were casting lots for His garments after having rammed nails into his hands and feet! I mean, THAT IS SO WEIRD TO ME.
Jesus was dying for the very people who were killing Him. Not just the Jews who were explicitly delighting in His death, which is sickening, but for the Romans who were most likely completely unaware that Jesus's death had very much to do with Jesus's love for them as well! And more than that Jesus was well aware that they were unaware!! I don't know about you, but having the understanding of another's awareness or lack thereof makes an excruciating difference. When I was younger and my parents would correct me, if I didn't feel loved by them, then I most certainly was not about to give them the pleasure of seeing me change lest they thought they were the ones who helped me, because that would give them the satisfaction of being right. No way Jose, even if I knew they were right, I did whatever I had to to keep them unaware of how I felt inside. Because it is hard to do something, even if it is good for myself, if the person who is punishing or rebuking me is not someone I trust or look up to. Now let's look at it from Christ's point of view as much as possible. Not only was Jesus being unjustly rebuked and incorrectly accused, whereas I was justly rebuked and correctly accused and still got upset! He was dying for people who were completely unaware of the immeasurable magnitude of which included their lives as well, and He knew it, every time He looked into their faces or among the crowds and into the eyes of His executioner as they whipped Him, placed a crown of thorns on Him, and pounded rusty nails into His flesh, he saw them and knew they thought they were just killing some insane nut job claiming to be the "King of the Jews". I mean, to love them in that moment....THAT IS SO WEIRD. And that makes a HUGE difference, for me at least, between the death of Jesus and the death the disciples experienced. Of course there was Stephen who prayed for the people stoning him, so maybe Stephen was also sincerely loving in that moment, I don't know, because he was just a human as well, empowered by God to speak and endure, but Jesus was not just a human, He was God. He didn't have to die for any reason! Stephen had to die because he preached the gospel and by his death he fulfilled the will of God. Jesus died to be the gospel, the beginning of the will of God. Stephen was motivated and compelled by the grace of what Jesus had done for him. Jesus was motivated and compelled by God's love for the very people spitting on His Son's face! THAT IS SO WEIRD.
Ok so somewhere within that thought I distinguished the main two differences between the death Jesus died with all other martyrs.
1. Jesus was God and had it perfect from the beginning; He was perfect, sinless! (This also why He was our only hope to being redeemed, if we had any hope at all, He was it! I used to feel like "yea, then of course He had to die, just like it's obligatory for my parents to feed and raise me I felt like it was God's obligation to die for me, obligation has to have a why, a reason that it is obligatory though. My parents are obligated because God commands them to be. However, nobody can command God to do anything, cuz He's God! What God did had nothing to do with obligation and everything to do with love, pure unadulterated love that finished paying our tragic debt off in willingness, in GRACE. Nothing and no one else was sinless so if He didn't die we would all never get to be with God who is perfect and cannot dwell with any sin!)
2. Jesus's death was out of ferocious love for you and me WHILE we were sinners, and DURING the times we sin. As seen and proven from the moment He was taken captive to Each nail pounded into the soft parts of his hands and feet. He couldn't have felt anger or hatred towards His accusers or executioners because that would mean He was not sinless, but moreso even if He could have been justified in having anger (though not hatred since that would nullify love, meaning He wouldn't have died) the fact that He went all the way to His death means He loved exceedingly more!
As I was praying last night with some of my brothers and sisters at church, I kept thinking about all this, and all I could say in response was "THAT IS SO WEIRD!" So, so weird. I've never thought something was so weird while simultaneously crying because of it's weirdness so perhaps I'm using the wrong word, but that's all I could think of at the moment. Weird because it makes no sense to me if I view God as a human only, but WEIRDEST when I acknowledge that Jesus is God who willingly went through all that out of Zero obligation and 100% Love. So weird that I am drawn to tears and gratefulness. To me that is so weird. So different. But the very fact I find so weird is the same fact I find so hopeful and true. It is weird when I try to understand it, but it is life altering when I believe it.
Oh my sweet Lord,
How I spat in Your face,
So ignorant was I
Of Your love and grace!
You chose to die,
Even during my wrong
Bled on the cross
A perfect love song!
Sinner I came,
But as saint I will leave,
All because of Your love
I live a life that You weave!
Jmegrey
G
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