Needless to say, it's overwhelming and too exciting to be back in school, though I have nothing to complain about since there are some elderly folks who haven't been in a classroom for over 35 years!
My first day was a hot mess. My second day was better, only because I stopped worrying and freaking out and replaced every uncontrollable situation with laughter. I feel like such an oddball, floating around disguised as a grad student when really I'm still just me--a weakling. What do I know? Well, let me tell you, haha, I know a lot according to my thoughts! I was judging everyone left and right, "oh he's too emotional", "she's too conservative", "that sounds egotistical", "he doesn't know what's important", "she talks too much", "he dresses way too formal", and the list goes on. Being critical of others keeps me from genuinely befriending them, and not immersing in the body of Christ is a simple idiocy on my part since I only deprive myself of views of God. In other words, I get less of God. My means of self preservation is a deceptive lie that I am praying God will expediently expose thoroughly in my life and produce change. Selfishness is indeed comforting and protective as a feeling (psychologically), but the results are anything but. It's a "sense" and nothing more. Fellowship with other believers, regardless of their strengths and weaknesses, is the real protection and comfort (actuality).
And though I know I have yet to understand.
All this goes to show that I ended up with a near sobbing breakdown as I realized the workload ahead of me if I wanted perfection (which I did, and which I know is impossible yet still think is possible). I was thinking about the grade. I wanted to be the best in my class. I wanted everyone to think I was smart and insightful, something special and different, but I got a wake up call. I am going to have to work and study my butt off if I even want to decently pass the class! But more than that it can't be about the grade...I mean I want to pass, don't get me wrong, but the whole point I'm in theology school is to know God more. So pass or fail the classes, if I get to know God more then that will be success and grace sufficient for me that I know I could never earn or deserve. I want to know, but more than that I want to understand. The only way I'll get through this is by grace to walk and think with freedom mentality. Free to pass, free to fail.
I prayed to God recently and repetitively that He would give me a humble heart, and humility to walk in more grace.
To pray for humility is really dangerous...I'm now tangibly realizing. I mean, the opportunities for true humbleness and humility are very close to home and specific, especially to my preservation of self. So much so that it is impossible, I think, to even take hold of such an opportunity unless God gives you the grace to do so. If you think you've seized humility by your own will power then that probably wasn't very humbling. If you think: "oh man I did that and I obeyed, that was humble of me" you have now contradicted yourself. I think humility is something we cannot see in ourselves, ever. (C. S. Lewis wrote that, I think). It is a gift from God that we can see evidenced in others.
I'm really tired, and out of it haha. This will likely be my last post for a while. I need time to get back into the groove of being a student, and staying diligent with my studies. If I post, it'll be short and sweet ;) (yea right).
Goodnight!
Jmegrey
No comments:
Post a Comment