The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. (Proverbs 20:5 ESV)
Drawing out my purpose from the well of my heart.
Takes time.
Where to begin? The process of drawing out water takes prior preparation. You need a bucket, something to pour the water into, and a plan for the water after it's been drawn.
My bucket is prayer, scripture, and writing. The bowl for the water is my mind. The plan is to wash away what is false and water what is true.
I've had a fever the past two days, and it threw me for a loop spiritually, mentally, and physically! Let me start by saying...I saw this coming. The more I began to do (actively) the more I took pride in what I was doing, and pride comes before a downfall. I don't know exactly where I started to let pride inflate, but the sense of "everything is a grace" had turned into a distant whisper rather than the resounding ringing revelation in my heart. I made faithless choices in the midst of losing control and I let myself trick myself into being stressed out ...and for what? All for my image. To stay as one calm and collected, when really I was fighting to remain "on the wall" as Nehemiah had been. I had a task, but I let myself down from the wall and away from the task for a brief moment.
I have a few things in mind that I desperately need for God to help me with, and it appears that I become easily distracted. I had allotted myself some time to just wait and listen to God concerning a giant idol in my life, but with school starting, church events happening, and social gatherings, I lost my footing.
I'm a fragile person.
I need to set what is important as my first priority, and all other things must be sacrificed.
So, once again I will stop myself from being in social functions, and focus on drawing out the purpose in my heart. I'm already a pretty non-social person, but really being intentional about drawing out truth by prayer, scripture and writing takes specific efforts and specific sacrifices.
Maybe it's different for each person. Maybe we are sure in different ways.
I just want to be sure that "what" I do is fueled by a very confident "why" I do.
PS: I've been thinking about what it means to have "fellowship" and be in a gospel centered community. The term "fellowship" can be flipped and flopped around to mean anything from getting together over a meal to going bowling; pretty much any social gathering. Being an introvert, I find it exhausting and stressful to be out with a bunch of people for longer than a couple hours. I prefer one on one coffee talks, reading by the fire, or watching a movie (which requires silence). So fellowship has been quite an anomaly for me, but I know it is for my good so I think it's important to figure out more specifically what is biblically beneficial and what is just "for fun". However, the thought has also occurred to me that perhaps I find fellowship in most cases to be draining because I am trying to protect my image. Maybe being around people for so long drains me because I am constantly trying to appear put together and "cool"? Though I find that unlikely, to be honest. Since I don't think anyone perceives me as that anyway, so maybe I'm just not sure enough yet. What I mean is, perhaps the weight I give to words and conversations are heavier than others' and so that differing measure clashes with the readiness to speak and listen. Although I still speak and listen if placed in the situation, mostly so as to avoid an awkward silence or offending the other person, but I find in me a strong preference to be in a place of peaceful quietness. I have only one friend who shares this decadence with me, and it might sound weird but I thoroughly enjoy just sitting outside or inside with this friend...just sitting and thinking and sharing only what we draw out from the deepest waters of our hearts. Mostly silent. I love talking, but I don't like talking all the time. Does that make sense? Or maybe I've got my thoughts all wrong and twisted, maybe there's something deeper going on. Whatever it is, I'm going to take time to draw it out, and hopefully I'll resurface with a refreshing take on fellowship, especially for all my introverted peers out there ;)
I find it important to really grasp what Jesus wanted for us to be like as His disciples. To love one another is not an external action, but an internal one. I know that actions of genuine feelings of love are a by product, but real love for another is written in 1 Corinthians 13-
"Love is patient and kind;
love does not envy or boast;
it is not arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Love bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things."
(1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV)
It doesn't say "love hangs out", but real love will eventually free me of insisting on my own way or getting irritable as well. Although I never "ought" to feel obligated (which I do most of the time I go to social gatherings), I should feel honored to love others the way God loves me. Perhaps then I will enter into the kind of fellowship Christ designed for His church.
By grace, Lord help me love others.
Jmegrey
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