My one Pearl

Father,

I've lost my way and what lies ahead looks scary and daunting.  Please lead and guide me back toward You. 

"Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law."(Psalm 119:18 ESV)

My problem at hand is that I still face anxiety and panic that, if swallowed, leads to temptation to sin.  The temptation is strong when my anxiety is high.  I feel alone and unable to control anything.  I start to fear a rising and culminating lack of control which feeds the fear of an unleash of chaos in my life...or even just the unknown is frightening enough.

The temptation to find a means of FEELING IN CONTROL kicks in.

The anxiety comes, sometimes with panic, always with confusion, and when at it's peak there is much fear. Fear of the unknown.  That is the point when by grace I stop and step back to turn my eyes toward Jesus again, trusting Him by faith to transform my fear into faith.  

To transform me and take away the anxiety, panic and confusion.  There is a slight catch to this "stopping and seeing", and that is the time it will take to do so.  Sometimes it takes only a few seconds, and by an overflow of grace from God you can realize all this inwardly even while among other people, but other times it takes hours to days to months to years in patiently waiting for The Lord to transform you IN HIS TIME.  These longer periods are always scary because they require more faith and a relentless trust whilst standing in the middle of a war of flying arrows and slashing swords.  You feel naked.  These longer periods I believe are an even greater outpouring of God's grace as the transformation and revelations that result run deeper into your heart and memory.  

Whether in a few seconds or in 8 years, God will win.  Both time frames will release power in your life, transforming you into a who God made you to be: perfect.  All by grace.

Your battlefield may take on a different physical appearance than mine, but spiritually we share the same ground with the same Savior who fights for the both of us.  Who fights for all who wait, and by faith trust in Him as you wait.  Waiting is difficult, but don't try to distract yourself while waiting.  Give your frustrations and fears to the indwelling Holy Spirit and ask Him to release you from the present unwanted feelings.  Ask Him to show you how to do so, and ask for understanding in the meantime to sustain you til the time of transformation happens.  Transformation can happen, as it is seen not only in the bible (Paul is transformed, lepers are transformed, the bleeding woman is transformed, and even Mark had to undergo transformation before being reunited with the apostle Paul) but also today, namely in my own life.  I have been transformed in ways I never thought would happen (isn't that how we always feel haha).  But I have tasted a small bite of this transforming power, and it is enough to have me craving for more!  

There are no words I could say that would make this revelation true for you, but this gift of God (transformation) must be had as a first hand experience as you profess to believe in Jesus.

I want to encourage you to see not with your physical eyes, since that will separate you in your mind from all who are actually with you, and look with your spiritual eyes at the war where God is your defender and shield, and where all the saints together are standing in faith through relentless trust with you.  By spiritual eyes I mean simply by reading the Word and having faith in the truth of it's meanings.  Consider it's meaning.  Weigh it with your situation, and pray for grace to have more faith!

Unveil the truth more.

I see now that, by my actions and attitude, I seem to think it's unnecessary to abide in Christ every single day of every single minute.  Clearly the past few weeks have overpowered my rebellion and fears, and brought about rivers of living water like I have never felt before, but I was wrong to think that after two weeks I would start whistling my way through those narrow gates.  What is it in me that is overwhelmed by such a strong urge to "sustain myself" by myself in times when I most need to rely completely on Christ? 

***It's when the memory of an old idol (or several old idols) begins projecting themselves into my mind.  Mind you that when they appear they always try to show their luster more than their ghastly bite.  They elude to peace of mind rather than shame.  My automatic thought is that they are a threat to me, and in that seemingly good thought which begins making me feel afraid I have weakened the power of the cross.  That thought is the same instant that I have turned my eyes away from Jesus.****

And by grace I see again, even more penetrating this time, that I am so weak, but that He is so powerful.  By grace I revert my eyes back to Christ.  Standing there, seeing only myself and the anxiety, I can resist temptation by faith and pray that God will open up my spiritual eyes to glory.  But even if He doesn't, I'll still pray against all that tries to swallow me, and think about the goodness of God.  For in His being I can at least take a hold of hope, the hope that I am His beloved child.  F

All this is built up more by prayer from others as well.

And in Him I find complete rest (even from anxiety).

I have noticed, however, that this daily looking at Jesus will take practice, perhaps it will take until the day I physically die, but for the one who knows the treasure found in Christ will give all one has to pursue it.  

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it. 

(Matthew 13:45-46 ESV)

Jmegrey