With change comes unfamiliarity, but with transformation comes faith.
I pray for help to keep my eyes on Jesus when the fear and anxiety of speculation from others comes into my mind.
Whether or not it is actually there, it's the fear and anxiety I pray to squelch.
A fear of disappointing.
A fear of failing.
A fear of tainting my reputation (further)
A fear of looking dumb.
The more my appetite for Jesus alone grows, the more I begin to almost see and taste the speculation of others that I fear. It's there at almost every corner I make. Their eyes on me, whether real or imagined, are doing a hell of a job to place me back into fear of man. Their eyes still matter, especially the eyes of those I love most or who love me most. Love is an invaluable treasure, so it makes sense to me why that makes it scary to place myself in a hypothetical situation where I disappoint those eyes. However, it's also a fear of just looking dumb on my part. In general. I have this deep ingrained desire to be liked and loved, admired and viewed as beautiful and intelligent. The desires I have are often all about me, meaning they have little to nothing to do with glorifying God. Even speculation of others makes me scared that I will be a bad representation of Jesus, as if Jesus needed defending. -__- if I'm to believe He is God then there's no chance that my life will ever take even an ounce of His glory away. That sugar coated concern is all about me. I want to look good even in representing Jesus, but to be honest...I can't even do that well! I need Jesus, because I need Jesus...not because I need to live a life more representative of Him...that is secondary to the primary need...which is my utter incapability to do anything good apart from Him. The moment it is about me is the same moment I fail.
Although not as much, speculation still scares me.
What are they thinking about me? What are they noticing? Are they skeptical? And then I even think that some are probably just watching and waiting to see me fail, the more epic my fall the greater their amusement....and that kills me. Kills me. Well, let it kill me then, so that I might be resurrected with Him. I don't like this me anyway. The me that is so scared of speculation and concerned with my self so much. Even now I am getting sick of hearing all this about me.
Jesus is Lord. Even those words feel so awkward and almost embarrassing to say, and that is something I wonder about. Perhaps it is a mixture of wanting to be more emphatically precise in the message that Jesus is Lord with the hunched shoulders of knowing that He is not a popular figure to be given that much attention and devotion. At least not in this culture where balance and quelling our immediate appetites are so strong.
Jesus to me means understanding that I can be free from all fears, including that of speculation. Which in itself is such an odd...confession. I think about my faith and what Is currently potentially holding me back from further knowing God and walking out my faith in my life and the answer is simply: speculation. (Though I'm certain many more will rear their ugly heads down the line, but what use to dwell on what is not even there yet? I think about what I need to think about now.)
Perhaps because I have failed so many times in life, my logic tells me I will probably fail again. My spirit even tells me I will never be perfect until I am sinless...in other words until I am with God in heaven.
The two may first appear to be giving me the same message, however one is completely devoid of hope, while the latter is in an ocean of deep and wide beautiful hope.
So knowing I will fail becomes just fine, in fact, not just fine but freeing...and then elating because the more I fail the more He gets involved in my life. And that is my goal at the end, to have Him.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
-Matthew 5:6
Be satisfied.
I like looking at the different words and meanings of one word, as well as their antonyms:
Satisfied -
adjective: content
appeased
certain
compensated
contented
convinced
filled
fulfilled
gratified
happy
paid
positive
quenched
requited
sated
satiated
supplied
verb: please, content
amuse
animate
appease
assuage
befriend
brighten up
captivate
capture
cheer
cloy
comfort
conciliate
delight
do the trick
elate
enliven
entertain
enthrall
exhilarate
fascinate
fill
fill the bill
Antonyms (opposite words of "satisfied", and what you leave behind when you hunger and thirst for Jesus:
anger
disappoint
discontent
dissatisfy
upset
dissuade
fail
frustrate
I don't know the Hebrew or Greek word used in the bible for that word, but "satisfied" could only go in so many directions. One cannot really dilute a word like "satsified". It's like diluting a word like "everything". Everything can never mean much outside of...EVERYTHING.
I want to encourage all believers to understand who Jesus is, and that in Him there is no fear, only freedom from all that encumbers us from joy in life. It takes desire and faith on your part, but MOST of all it takes grace from God. The bible gives us the way to such grace too!
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but GIVES GRACE to the HUMBLE.”
-James 4:6 ESV
Speculation may scare me (I mean I can't be more expressive about the kind of thoughts that compound to make this such a giant, but one more fear is that I may one day fall away from my faith and all this will have been my biggest folly, I will look like such a fool! I think what if I fall away? What if something entices me more than God's love---which feels impossible right now, but I tend to think of every angle. But the more I thirst for God the more I see speculation, from others and even myself, of my ability to keep running...)
Which I just read last night is impossible <--- another word like "satisfied" and "everything". Impossible.
Hebrews states the impossibility of one who is saved to ever fall away and be saved again, in other words it's a situation that would never happen. Therefore once you are saved, you are always saved.
For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt.
-Hebrews 6:4-6 ESV
It is Impossible to fall away.
Speculation--it might even make me stumble a few times, but it is nothing that Jesus cannot use for my good. To teach me humility, to give more grace.
I'm still learning, and I'm probably making mistakes in what I say, but if nothing makes sense and I can only say one thing it would be to thirst and hunger for Him, so much so that nothing <----another one--stands in your way...not even speculation. ;)
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be SATISFIED."
-Matthew 5:6
You can't be satisfied while being dissatisfied.
What do you think?
-jmegrey
My critics (in my head, haha) might argue that satisfaction can come in another way. And to that I say "it can!" So go be satisfied by something else temporarily, but only Jesus satisfies eternally.
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